Rise of a King, the Fall of a Queen

I have been thinking alot about gender roles. About how we are taught and trained to be a certain way. That there are certain acceptable ways to behave and that there are other actions that are not as acceptable. For example, I am noticing that perhaps it is not as appropriate for me to talk about drinking whisky or being a fan of "manly" drinks now that I am back in the states. Somehow, the drink of choice for me is really meant to be the drink of choice for someone older, richer, and perhaps with a bit more hair growing on that individual's face.

But there are also other things I have noticed. One thing is that I have a work mate who likes to hug me. If you know nothing else about me, it would be that I do not do well with physical contact. I am not one to be close to others, unless I really know and love them; and this person I do not know and love. Not only do I not know and love, but that person also holds a more senior position. So, it makes me uncomfortable for many, many reasons. And yet, even as uncomfortable as I seem, I know that it is more acceptable that perhaps a male superior hugging me, even if the intention was the same. So why should one person be allowed to hug me (and make me feel uncomfortable?) when the other can't? All because of gender, it seems.

There are other ways that gender seems to affect my life. Like taking the initiative and asking friends to do things with me. It seems a bit manly to make the plans, and sometimes, I want to embrace my gender role and sit back and have the plans made for me. Not because I think of myself as some retiring female without a thought in her head, but because sometimes, it feels like I am the one doing all the asking and planning and organizing and it feels as though I am the only one invested and perhaps, I should just be more open to letting things go.

In the end, it's all odd to me. That fact that I want to embrace some of the feminine things - heels and makeup and getting dressed up - and other times, I want to be allowed to express my individuality and pay for the meal or make the plans, so that they do not suck. I want the ability to embrace both the male and female and keep them guessing, but still always acknowledging that I am very much, one hundred percent, bonafide chick