I Got A Feeling

To a lovely lady:

You are one of those people that I consider integral to the life that I lead now. You have become a confident, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen to my troubles and my woes, a companion in laughter and a friend in my solitude. And for all these things, I call you friend. And for all these reasons, your life will be intertwined with mine for a long time. Before I knew you, I am not sure how I managed without you in my day to day actions. And now that I do, I can not imagine a time or a place where you won't be there, whether by my side or in my heart.

And so here I am, writing thoughts down as I have them because for all that you mean to me, I can not comfort you in your time of distress. I am not sure what are the best words to say, and I am trying to be there for you, but somehow my presence is not as much of a help as a hindrance. I know best to leave you alone, but I also know that right now, you need to be outside yourself. I feel helpless and lost and need guidance when I know you have none to give. Or none to spare. This time, I do not think the distinctions matter any.

Right now, I wish that it had been me. I wish that it had happened to me and I was the one going through this. The doubt, the self-recriminations, the blame, the guilt, the shame. The feelings of failure. All that I think I could have borne upon myself. But I can not bear to see you suffering what I wish were mine to bear. I know that this is a moment, I know that you have nothing to blame yourself for. That all the things we tell you are true and that in time, you will come to believe what we say. But I also know that now is not the time to believe or to hear or to let anything pierce the shell of your feelings.

So I write this to let you know. I write this to have you remember when this is past. I write this as a testament to the friendship and kinship I feel for you. I write this because sometimes we need to say things that we can not tell others. And I write this as a memory, a reminder of all the things I mean to say and hope I finally have the chance to, when everything is quiet and still in your heart.