The Fear

I have had the unfortunate opportunity today to have to be honest about things I normally do not really choose to speak of. Specifically, I have had to admit that I have fears and what those fears are and how those fears will sometimes stop me from functioning. It is not always pleasant to have to do so, especially not when you are admitting it to someone in power (or at least, power over you) but you know me - ask and I will tell.

The thing is, there is something inherently vulnerable about being open about your fears and giving a name to something that is not normally talked about. And it made me start thinking about fears. About the ones that are irrational but that we hold none the less. Mine, which I am not sure many people know, is large crowds and enclosed spaces. The strange thing is, I have not always had this fear. But during a difficult time in my life, I ended up somewhere and got overwhelmed by what I was feeling. Long story short, I was overwhelmed in a crowded, dark bar and needless to say, a modern fear is born. Perhaps the fear now is not about the place or the people but about the way I felt and not wanting to feel tat overwhelmed and out of control again.

I have other fears - not a big fan of cockroaches. Not just any bugs though; the kind that you find in the Caribbean. The ones that are about as long as a finger and comes out in packs. And most disturbingly, when you think you have the bug cornered, it suddenly flies! Flies! My skin crawls just thinking about it. I am not one to jump in the ocean (thank you Jaws!), not crazy about heights (thank you understanding the laws of gravity) and some other fears that would make me sound insanely neurotic without an explanation that is too detailed and too personal for even here.

But then I think about my friends. The friend who is afraid to fly and the one who is afraid of being socially awkward. The friend who thinks germs are every where and the friend who is afraid of never finding love. And to each and every one (including myself), that fear seems all important. But in the end, fear is just another way of letting us know what we consider to be so important that we would not want to just leave it to chance. For me, not being trapped by circumstance is my biggest fear. So I choose to avoid it in a manner that makes manifest sense. What is your fear?