Judge Not

I have had an interesting twenty-four hours. I have had one of the best mornings of my life where I sat in the comfort of my own home, playing hostess and talking to two of the best people I have had the good fortune to meet and I have had one of the worst nights of my life, remembering why sometimes getting to know people can be a challenge I am not always up for.

I am a psychologist. I have studied numerous facets of human behaviour and I know that it is human nature to make judgments. It is how we all navigate our world. I know that stereotypes exist because if we had to think through assessments of the numerous individuals walking into and out of our lives every second, we could not function as the social creatures we are. I know I have used stereotypes before and made snap decisions about people and I understand their utility. Society and social interactions are neither all bad or all good. They just are and we need them to survive - evolution has not taken us far enough yet where social interaction does not matter.

But for all their utility, judgments and stereotypes are fallible and human beings are complex individuals. Emphasis on individual. I expect that if I choose to spend my time with someone, I will have the honour and privilege of getting to know them as themselves, not their stereotype. And I expect the same from someone getting to know me. I have many layers and there is only so much you can learn of me at any given time. And there are some things that stay the same. I have no use for dishonestly at any time; I say what I mean. I am open and honest - ask me a question and I answer truthfully. I try not to hide behind lies but that does not mean I don't hide.

I hide behind my stories. I have my glossy stories that I am comfortable with everyone knowing and share at a moment's notice - the icebreakers of any potential relationship. I have the dusty stories that are not trotted out as often - not because they are not good or worth telling, but because I might become emotional in telling the tale and only people I know better and trust get to hear them. And then there are the people who know me so well that I no longer tell stories - I talk about me: about my feelings, my concerns, my hopes and my desires and my dreams. And at each stage, I get to choose what I reveal and how to do so because I need to make sure I can trust the person I am telling my tales to.

But I have encountered people who have judged me based on snippets of conversation or stories without bothering to wonder what lies behind them. I have been judged - and found lacking - because I choose a different path from them and it makes me less than I am. And I feel saddened because in judging me, they have decided to end any chance of friendship. How can I trust that you will listen to what I am really saying - the person behind the stories? Half remembered nights and heartbreaks do not a person make. And no story sums anyone up to their full extent. But sometimes, someone will assume it does and find you wanting in their eyes. And they will become less than necessary in yours.

Perhaps the best way to sum it up is this. In the last 24 hours, I have heard the same story about an individual repeated. The first time I was told the story and its content - its raison d'etre - it was a simple statement of fact. No judgment, it just was. The second time I heard the story, its raison d'etre was an influenced opinion - it summed up that individual to the story teller and was enough to go off of. I am cautious of the second story teller: what have I said or done already that has labeled me already? How am I perceived? In the end, I am cautious only because I continue to interact with the second story teller; as for the first story teller, I know they will be in my life for ages because with every tale I tell, they will just accept my stories and look beyond the words to find the person - me - lying behind them.