2008 and Planning

I realize that making plans is a futile endeavour. Every time I feel that my life is going along this predetermined, I know what I want path, something happens and sweeps that away. Whether it is for the good or for the bad this time, remains to be seen but I am living with the notion that it must be for the good or it would not have happened.

I have had so many instances of my plans changing. Life plans, personal plans, even day to day plans. I was supposed to have been Dr. Yates by now and the last thing I realized was that my heart was not in it, not at this moment and maybe not ever but it was the best thing I did for my sanity to say maybe this plan was not meant for me.

I was supposed to be moving to England for my boyfriend at the time. I moved to England - I did make the switch but only after we had broken up and were no longer on speaking terms. Whether I stuck to the plan to prove something to myself, to prove something to him, or just because it seemed like the best plan at the moment, I am still not sure. But it probably is the best move I have ever made. I am happier here in general, I have met some good people, and I have had to challenge alot of my beliefs I have held about myself and my life and what my wants and desires really are. And it has been hard to sometimes confront some of those things but at the same time, it feels necessary.

I had plans - made in a hurry but plans none the less - that I would meet and fall in love with someone, that we would at least attempt a relationship, and then I realize somewhat into things (working with the plans) that it was not what I wanted at all. I did want a relationship, but I wanted a different sort than I knew I could have. And I wanted someone to love, but it was not that person. And another plan put to the wind. In a good way. It helps when you know what you want and the other person is on your page as well, but another plan bites the dust...

So I am trying not to plan and instead, I am figuring out what is the best way to move things forward in my life. I am trying not to make plans for other people or influence plans in any way for others, but wishing life was easier and that things did just fall into place. Or at least once things fall into place, they could stay that way for a while. But that is not life. Life is not simple, it is linear, it is not knowable and it is not something you should plan. So I am trying to just move forward with a glimmer in mind and an firmly fixed idea of my ideal and hope that this is enough to make the best laid plans fall into place for myself