Love, Lust or Bust

I have been thinking alot about relationships and love as of recently. Whether it is because I am in the process of ending a relationship, starting one, or just trying to figure myself out in general, it's been on my mind. And as I think about love, I think about all the things I want for myself. So here is the laundry list of what I am looking for:

I want things to be uncomplicated. Sure, none of us have reached this point in our life without some type of baggage from heartbreak but I want someone who can learn from their baggage as I do. Instead of being stored away in some dusty corner, I want someone who occasionally unpacks the suitcase and brings things to light to see if any new insights can be gained. In the end, I want someone who makes things a little less complicated by explaining where they are coming from, how they see things with me, and where they would like us to go. It does not have to be the first conversation or even the tenth and it is not something you can reveal in one go; but at some time, I hope they can let me in.

I want to not have to compete. Whether it is with someone else or something else, I don't compete in love. And maybe I have lost out because of that. But if you want to be with me, you make the effort. You don't let anyone or anything come between getting to know me better. Yes, I have my insecurities and one of them is that I might be someone that a guy chooses to settle for rather than the one they truly want. But I try to deal with it as best I can. But if I always feel that something else is pulling them away, I am not going to fight for it. Not at the start, sometimes at the end but by then, it might be too late.

I want to be chased. And who does not? I want to be pursued and eventually 'caught'. I want someone to express a clear interest in me without the benefit of signs that can be misinterpreted. And I don't want to be the one always leading the dance. I don't mind helping things along and I am quite forthright about what I want and expect. And I am willing to reciprocate. But in the end, I want someone who leans in first for that kiss; someone who asks me out on that first date and makes the plans. If I have to do all the mundane work - the where, the when, the how, I will eventually get tired of always thinking about us and wondering if I am the only one thinking about us - when next we can be together, how to schedule time for us, etc. So I want to be chased - I want someone to think about us for a change.

I want romance. Not the red roses on Valentine's day or extravagant gestures of special occasions kind of romance. Those are all good and fine but I want the kind of romance that is everyday and small, but so much more meaningful. I want little notes left for me to find, I want spontaneous plans to walk in the park or through London streets, I want someone who remembers the random things I say and builds on them. I want the person who has a bottle of diet coke waiting for me when I get home because I am under caffeinated and dying for a drink. I want someone who remembers to not call me or text me or even message me during my favourite show because I need some down time to just enjoy. It's the little things that add up to a relationship and get you through all the big things, good and bad.

With all the things I want, I sometimes wonder if you can find it in any one person. I assume you must be able to but I have not found it yet (my reason for being single) but I hope someday I will find it in someone special. And everything they want, they'll find in me

Judge Not

I have had an interesting twenty-four hours. I have had one of the best mornings of my life where I sat in the comfort of my own home, playing hostess and talking to two of the best people I have had the good fortune to meet and I have had one of the worst nights of my life, remembering why sometimes getting to know people can be a challenge I am not always up for.

I am a psychologist. I have studied numerous facets of human behaviour and I know that it is human nature to make judgments. It is how we all navigate our world. I know that stereotypes exist because if we had to think through assessments of the numerous individuals walking into and out of our lives every second, we could not function as the social creatures we are. I know I have used stereotypes before and made snap decisions about people and I understand their utility. Society and social interactions are neither all bad or all good. They just are and we need them to survive - evolution has not taken us far enough yet where social interaction does not matter.

But for all their utility, judgments and stereotypes are fallible and human beings are complex individuals. Emphasis on individual. I expect that if I choose to spend my time with someone, I will have the honour and privilege of getting to know them as themselves, not their stereotype. And I expect the same from someone getting to know me. I have many layers and there is only so much you can learn of me at any given time. And there are some things that stay the same. I have no use for dishonestly at any time; I say what I mean. I am open and honest - ask me a question and I answer truthfully. I try not to hide behind lies but that does not mean I don't hide.

I hide behind my stories. I have my glossy stories that I am comfortable with everyone knowing and share at a moment's notice - the icebreakers of any potential relationship. I have the dusty stories that are not trotted out as often - not because they are not good or worth telling, but because I might become emotional in telling the tale and only people I know better and trust get to hear them. And then there are the people who know me so well that I no longer tell stories - I talk about me: about my feelings, my concerns, my hopes and my desires and my dreams. And at each stage, I get to choose what I reveal and how to do so because I need to make sure I can trust the person I am telling my tales to.

But I have encountered people who have judged me based on snippets of conversation or stories without bothering to wonder what lies behind them. I have been judged - and found lacking - because I choose a different path from them and it makes me less than I am. And I feel saddened because in judging me, they have decided to end any chance of friendship. How can I trust that you will listen to what I am really saying - the person behind the stories? Half remembered nights and heartbreaks do not a person make. And no story sums anyone up to their full extent. But sometimes, someone will assume it does and find you wanting in their eyes. And they will become less than necessary in yours.

Perhaps the best way to sum it up is this. In the last 24 hours, I have heard the same story about an individual repeated. The first time I was told the story and its content - its raison d'etre - it was a simple statement of fact. No judgment, it just was. The second time I heard the story, its raison d'etre was an influenced opinion - it summed up that individual to the story teller and was enough to go off of. I am cautious of the second story teller: what have I said or done already that has labeled me already? How am I perceived? In the end, I am cautious only because I continue to interact with the second story teller; as for the first story teller, I know they will be in my life for ages because with every tale I tell, they will just accept my stories and look beyond the words to find the person - me - lying behind them.

When Are You Enough?

I thought about writing this note after having shared a recent conversation with someone I had liked and ended up kissing. It all started by an innocent question of is there a particular hair type that is lusted for in general - a sort of informal survey. I shared my story of how a guy I knew had said his ideal was someone slimmer than me, taller than me, and blonder than I am (err, which also probably means paler given my ethnic background).....it made me a bit more cautious to say the least and I was not surprised when things fizzled quicker than they had started.

But it got me to thinking. I have never been someone who fits the 'ideal' mold - whether it is society or even sometimes, my own ideals. When I look back on pictures, I can see that there are slight changes here and there but you can always recognize me, no matter what age. Which means I also have my share of comments guys have made, thinking they were being nice. I can't tell you how many time I have heard 'you have a pretty face, if only you lost weight' or 'what are you?' (errr, a girl??? always asked by someone trying to figure out my racial heritage). I have had guys tell me I would be the kind of girl they would like to sleep with but not date (errmmm, thanks but no) or 'I would be perfect if only I were...(insert characteristic that cannot be altered without some drastic surgery and sometimes involving sex reassignment)

Not surprisingly, my confidence has taken a knock after years of being told that somehow I just was not good enough as I am. It's hard to stay objective; it's hard to say it's them and not me. And yes, I have had moments where my heart broke because someone thought being honest did not equal being mean. How do you not cry when there are more failed romances or missed chances than honest-to-goodness love stories in your past? When at any given moment, there are more people telling you that you need to change to be successful in life, love and everything else that matters instead of the fact that you're perfect as you are.

My most poignant moment was when I sat across from a friend and love of years and listened to him break me down bit by bit - listened as he told me why I would never find love, true friendship, and happiness. Why no one wanted me and never would. For hours, I sat there over a cup of coffee and took it all in. I am still not sure now why I stayed, why I listened, why I did not say anything and looking back, I wonder how someone could be so close to you and think such poisonous thoughts about you and of you but in the end, perhaps it was for the best

At that moment, I realized I could not keep looking outside of myself for the answer. I could not keep asking others if I was enough for them, if I was finally enough. looking for validation. I had to answer that for myself and be content, no matter what. And yes, I do try to be enough for myself. I want to live my life, happy in the knowledge that I have no regrets or second thoughts about what I do. I want to hold on to the idea that I could be loved for who I am as I am and if I change - for better or for worse - I can still be loved. I will never be lighter though winter makes me paler; I could be thinner but I enjoy a good meal out and pints with friends too much to be that person who only orders a salad or drinks water; I could be blonder but I love my dark hair, tinged with auburn in the right light. I love all my exotic features - my almond eyes and pouty lips and everything else that makes me me.

I could lie and say I always feel that I am enough. But I don't think anyone ever feels like they are enough all the time. I have my days where I wake up and feel like life would be better if only I could change some imperfection, imagined or real. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to walk into any shop and just pick anything I want off the rack. I wonder what it would be like to walk around with all eyes on me no matter where I go, but in the end, are those people any happier than you or I? We all have our insecurities; even the most perfect men and women in the world wish they could be someone else I am sure. While everyone strives to be them, they strive to be something else. So in the end, perhaps as long as you're enough for yourself, then you can be enough. You can walk around, comfortable in your own skin and happy in your own thoughts. And maybe if just a few people say they truly are enough - lumps, bumps, and all - then others will be inspired.

Attraction

What is it about someone that attracts you to them? Is it the way they look across the darkened club? Or the way you feel in their presence? Is it the fact that they know what to do with their hands? Or is it the fact that they have no clue, but fumble that much more sweetly?

For me, attraction is all about the intangible. There are many people I have seen pass me by that make me want to turn for another look, but that to me is not attraction. That is appreciation. It is doing the right thing and appreciating someone who has either taken the time to look their best or else won the luck of the looks lottery. Either way, it is drooling and moving on. Fleeting fantasy....

No I am talking about attraction. About the thing that makes you want to be closer to someone, to get to know someone better. From experience, I can say attraction often comes when I am least expecting it and in the most subtle ways. I became attracted to the love of my life when he shared his life with me. He shared all of the hard times he was going through - he opened up and talked to me. So we walked and talked for hours at a time, late at night, strolling through Lincoln Park with my dog, and I started to be attracted to him. He was someone I knew, a good friend, but his willingness to just be himself - to open up, to trust me, and to be vulnerable - made me wildly attracted. Perhaps it is not a surprise that we said goodbye when I realized that he was not telling me anything about his life anymore. Suddenly there was someone else he confided in and trusted. Yes, he still said he loved me and wanted to be with me, but perhaps the same thing that attracts can be the same thing that repels.

I have been attracted to someone because they took the chance and held my hand walking through Covent Garden late a night when they hardly knew me or knew where my heart lay. A simple gesture and yes, it was instant spark - instant attraction and I was gone. I have looked at someone in a different way and been attracted when he stood up for us in a packed restaurant on a Saturday night - quietly demanding that the table be given to us because we had been waiting longer than the other couple. And I suddenly saw this friend in a whole new light and wanted to know more.

I don't think you can force attraction or bottle it. You can not decide that someone will be attracted to you or someone will find you attractive. And as easily as attraction can be to cultivate, it can sometimes fade just as fast. I have been attracted to people who killed the attraction just as quickly by showing their true nature. But oh for those fleeting moments where suddenly minds connect and attraction is palpable - to those moments where love has a chance to blossom.....

Comfort Food

Should a relationship be comfort food? I feel like that is what is going through my head right now. Should you get into a relationship (or even consider it) because it just seems easier - because you get along well or because you know there is something between you two - definite friendship, perhaps more, but defiinte friendship? If you find someone who you like, someone you feel close to, that you can lean on for support, and someone you can laugh with, then is that everything you need? Is it being greedy to feel like holding out for more? And what if there is no 'more' to a relationship - a good one - that what you already have?
If a relationship is comfort food, what would your relationship style be? Potatoes and gravy are all good and fine; makes you feel warm and full and sated, but I want that extra something that makes me feel loved up. Maybe I am the curry lover of the comfort food world. I want someone who wants to be with me - not because it is easy or because it is the right thing to do - but because I genuinely am someone they can't stop thinking about. Because they want to spend as much time with me as they can and if it means giving up the night out at the pub to do so, then they could not be happier. Because it means a night in with me.

I don't want to feel like the last thought or the responsibility. I don't want to be the thing that gets slotted in- in between the football match and the dinner with friends. I don't want someone who is just there when it is convenient to them or nothing better is happening. I have done that - I have been in the relationship where I kept giving and giving and giving and all I ever got in return was a 'thank you' or 'how sweet' but nothing more. Is it wrong to expect more? That if I am giving my all, I at least get the same in return.
I keep thinking that I just don't want to fall for someone again like that. I don't want to be someone's girl they settled for, I want to be the girl that someone can't live without. And if that makes me selfish, so be it. I want passion and I want romance and I want so many other things I have not found just yet - at least, if I found them, I have not seen them yet. And I don't want to choose to settle either because it is easier. Not when I know it is out there, even if I have not found it yet, and not when I know that I deserve more - that life has to hold more than this for me.

Every Eight Seconds

Guess I am wondering what it is about the new year that just screams new beginning and sorting life out in general. Is it really true that as one door closes, another one opens? And how quickly does the door open - what if two doors open at once and when you shut one, you find the other one is closed as well? What if that door was never really open anyway - at least not for you?

Sometimes I wonder if life is less about the paths we choose and more like an Alice in Wonderland type of scenario.....we're all wandering around, opening and closing doors and trying our hardest ways to fit through the ones we want or think we want. If something appeared before me, saying "drink me" guarantying that I could get through the door I want, would I do it, damn the consequences? I am not sure....because maybe that is not where I am meant to go. Maybe it should never have been opened to me in the first place.....

Someone recently said to me that in love, you are never sure how long you wait before that special someone else comes along. Sometimes it is years, sometimes months, and sometimes it's eight second later. What if that person came along eight seconds too early? And when you're finally catching up to them, you're eight seconds behind......

Do you wait? Do you hope the moment comes around again and suddenly you're both in perfect sync or do you just walk further down the corridor, looking for the next open door? I am not one to give up easily on something I want but I am also not one to blindly believe in what people say, not in certain situations or moments when intentions - as good as they may be - become a bit more muddled than we would like.

So every eight seconds, does someone else get disappointed? Every eight seconds, does love search you out and you just need to be ready for it, whatever guise it may take.....every eight seconds might be eight seconds too long for some and too short for others. Every eight seconds, I am holding my breath hoping this time I actually get what I want. And every eight seconds, I am denied what matters most to me.

2008 and Planning

I realize that making plans is a futile endeavour. Every time I feel that my life is going along this predetermined, I know what I want path, something happens and sweeps that away. Whether it is for the good or for the bad this time, remains to be seen but I am living with the notion that it must be for the good or it would not have happened.

I have had so many instances of my plans changing. Life plans, personal plans, even day to day plans. I was supposed to have been Dr. Yates by now and the last thing I realized was that my heart was not in it, not at this moment and maybe not ever but it was the best thing I did for my sanity to say maybe this plan was not meant for me.

I was supposed to be moving to England for my boyfriend at the time. I moved to England - I did make the switch but only after we had broken up and were no longer on speaking terms. Whether I stuck to the plan to prove something to myself, to prove something to him, or just because it seemed like the best plan at the moment, I am still not sure. But it probably is the best move I have ever made. I am happier here in general, I have met some good people, and I have had to challenge alot of my beliefs I have held about myself and my life and what my wants and desires really are. And it has been hard to sometimes confront some of those things but at the same time, it feels necessary.

I had plans - made in a hurry but plans none the less - that I would meet and fall in love with someone, that we would at least attempt a relationship, and then I realize somewhat into things (working with the plans) that it was not what I wanted at all. I did want a relationship, but I wanted a different sort than I knew I could have. And I wanted someone to love, but it was not that person. And another plan put to the wind. In a good way. It helps when you know what you want and the other person is on your page as well, but another plan bites the dust...

So I am trying not to plan and instead, I am figuring out what is the best way to move things forward in my life. I am trying not to make plans for other people or influence plans in any way for others, but wishing life was easier and that things did just fall into place. Or at least once things fall into place, they could stay that way for a while. But that is not life. Life is not simple, it is linear, it is not knowable and it is not something you should plan. So I am trying to just move forward with a glimmer in mind and an firmly fixed idea of my ideal and hope that this is enough to make the best laid plans fall into place for myself