Memories

I have been telling a couple of my friends how I have had to avoid pop culture in the last couple of weeks. Why? Because it seems no matter where I look, I see my problems or thoughts being expressed for the world to see. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something but like an ostrich, I plan to hide my head in the sand for as long as I can.

What do I mean about the universe trying to show me something? Well, characters on television say the things that I have been longing to say to the person I dated. Their thoughts and situations seem to smack of things that I am currently going through. Except on television, their problems end within an hour while mine just keep hitting me again and again. There is no respite for me - no commericials to break the monotony.
So, I have turned to books. I have even stayed away from chick lit or other such fiction to give myself a break. So I start reading a gothic horror novel. I enjoyed it at first but in the end, it was not truly a gothic horror novel; it was all about love lost and being able to move onwards once it is lost. It was about hanging on and how we hang on to the idea that the person we loved must be trying to hurt us, trying to keep them in our lives in our own way, when truly the person who hurt us before has no such intentions any longer and has probably moved on. Feels nothing, means nothing towards us. Maybe it was a horror novel in its own way.

So I sit and listen to music while working on my computer. But perhaps the choice of music could be better. I have sat there, listening to the lyrics of the song and wondering how I could have missed it. With words like "Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend" or "And I am not as pretty as those girls in magazines", my life is interpreted through song. And none of them have happy endings.

So, I have shut myself inside for now. I watch things that do not touch my soul, I read dry historical books and papers, the only songs are the ones I can not stop running through my head, and I am trying to immmerse myself in work. Because if I could stop seeing the meaning behind everything, then maybe I can stop feeling as though there is meaning to be had. In the end, there are somethings you are not meant to understand and there are somethings you perhaps are not meant to have or hold on to. But even so, sometimes you need to hold on a bit longer if only to save yourself from drowning no matter what the cost to yourself or others. Maybe some ideas are always meant to be salient and intrude upon our world because we recognize them as truth, even if we can not own them