Lucid Dreams

I have had a kind of funny sad night last night. I have been having some pretty lucid dreams over the last couple of nights but luckily, I have been able to sleep better than I have in months. Maybe I have not slept fully through the night yet but I am finding it easier to fall asleep when I do wake up. Except for last night....

Last night, I woke up pretty much every hour or less and everytime I woke up, I had one thought: "my friend flies in today". And that temporary happiness was replaced by the realization that I must be amnesic because he was not coming in after all. I probably had that cycle repeat itself about ten or more times last night and everytime, it just seemed that more crushing when I remembered. Until I woke up at five and decided to just stay awake because there was no way I wanted a repeat.

It's funny because I have come to realize just how much I wanted him here and only after it was a sure thing that he could not come. I realized that I was looking forward to having someone here to distract me, I was looking forward to having a good friend with me during this somewhat trying time, and I was looking forward to just maybe reaching some resolutions or firm conclusions in the end. To stop uncertainity, to stop the hopes I hang on to, to end all the thinking I have been doing. But I am sitting here, with even more thoughts that I had before. And sitting here throwing myself a "pity party" as one of my friends would say