I wish I could say my life has not been especially crazy the last couple of weeks but it has been a doozie as most of you know. Between breaking up with the person I was dating and then waiting for him to show up here so we can actually sit down and talk to the normal crap that happens in grad school to dealing with alot of emotional baggage, I have been having a "fun" three weeks (yes, that would be biting sarcasm!).
Now add to that my current inability to sleep and the crappy sleep I have been getting in general, and I am a bit peeved. I miss sleep. I miss dreaming. I miss being blissfully rested when I wake up. Instead, I am cranky when I am awake or sad and unable to control the crying or else insanely happy for no good reason. Saying my affect has been labile the past few weeks would be an understatement. And I know sleep would help. Alot. But there is no sleep in sight or even a sandman to be seen.
So here I am, at almost five in the morning, pondering deep questions and writing about the mundane. There is so much I would just like to clear off my head and just not have it weigh me down anymore, and I can't. My sense of propriety and wariness in general prevents it. So, I am sitting here, struggling how best to move forward and not really sure. Does moving forward mean going back a couple of steps? Or should I be hanging on so keenly to what I have lost? For I have lost it. It being a myriad of things but I have lost it all. I know that. Perhaps I always have in a way and that is why I can't sleep or dream anymore. Dreams are hopes, wishes, fantasies that we allow our selves to have when our guard is down and our thoughts are free to wonder. And I no longer have hopes and dreams or even know where or what they are anymore. I seem to just have sorrow. And sorrow does not make for a happy bedfellow.
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