Feeling Good

Whether it is because of the lack of sleep or the simple fact that I have been a bit down all day, my mind keeps circling around and around the questions that I have of myself and others. As you guys know, I broke up with someone a couple of weeks ago and since then I have been doing alot of talking and fighting and hurting, but in between all that, I have been trying to figure out the whole relationship. What was it for? Why did he want to be with me? Did he really love me? And if he really loved me, then how did things go so wrong? How did the little things escalate into insurmontable obstacles?

I can't say I have any answers to those questions. On days where I feel close to normal, I think he must have loved me. The way he spoke to me, the tone of his voice. But on days where everything is grey, when I cry because I am standing still, those are the days I feel thrown away. I let someone get closer to me than anyone has ever been, I really truly revealed the person I am, and he threw me away. Not in so many words - but in all the little things he did. Or failed to do.
"When you love, you entrust to that person your sense of your own worth and if that person throws you aside, you believe utterly and profoundly that you are worthless." This is how I feel. It has not been easy. My friends ask me questions of him and I truly do not know. My friends ask me about online flirtations he engages in and I ask myself those same questions. Am I so utterly removeable that in three weeks, I am all but forgotten. Replaced by someone else shinier, newer, better.

I am no saint; I have never claimed to be - a halo isn't meant to grace my head. But somewhere, I believe that I am a good enough person that I should deserve some happiness in life. But things happen and I wonder why I over reach; why I let myself believe in happy endings and forever. Because in my life, forever is not permanent. Forever is a way to pass away the time, to enjoy the scenery, and to move on when things have lost their novelty. I wish I had answers to questions instead of just loud musings and this ever present pain in my heart, but I don't. And maybe I never will. Maybe some things are never meant to be known.