He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I am reminded of why I hate dating. Not because I have been on a date recently or even because I am pondering going on a date with anyone anytime soon. But because I have been reminded how much I suck at reading other people at times, especially if I am concerned about that individual (concerned is just another word for possibly interested). Not only do I suck at reading other people, but then I get all nervous about what the other person is thinking and whether I am somehow infringing on their time. I become overly concerned (in this case, the true sense of concerned) about how I interact with that person and suddenly, it is all downhill from there.

To me, dating is a mind field and there is not a way to detect the possible traps and pitfalls that may happen. You can try to side step them, after taking a good guess at what they are, but there is no guarantee. I have never been good at dates - am I being too forward, not forward enough? Does he know that twirling my hair and touching his leg is a sign that I like him? Am I even following the rules (and more importantly, what were the rules as I have forgotten completely?). I hate the wondering and the constant confusion. The thought that maybe making time for me is a good sign; walking me to my car, probably a good sign. Being evasive about spending more time than absolutely necessary (is there a certain amount of time that makes a date a date?), probably not the best of signs (or maybe, no sign at all other than a busy schedule).

As you may know, I think too much. I spent too much time analyzing my life and my thoughts and possibly the thoughts of others around me. And I try to guess, and when I could care less, I tend to be spot on. When I care, it changes things. Suddenly, I have a stake in how things work themselves out and so my interpretations may be a little biased. Hell, little; a lot. I want things to be favourable and yet, there is the part of me that always believes the negative of any situation and looks for the dark side of every cloud. So, dating is a constant internal war. I am up in the polls, I am down in the polls; I am not even in the running anymore.

So perhaps dating is a see-saw. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. But in the end, dating is like being on a carnival ride. It is scary when you're waiting in line, the anticipation is a killer, but once things get started, it is a whole lot of fun. And when you step off and the ride is over, all you want to do is get another chance again.