Get Outta My Way

I had a weird thought this morning - well, weird for me. And I wanted to share. While looking into the mirror, I had the sudden and unbidden thought "Why did anyone ever find me attractive?"

To say the least, I was a little shocked that I actually thought that. Yes, if you have read the blog, you know that I am sometimes down on myself. And yes, if you have read the blog, then you know I am not a blonde, blue-eyed perfect sized four, but neither of those things are the point of this. More importantly, I have never looked in a mirror and doubted what other people think (thought) of me. I knocked my own attractiveness in my mind or just felt generally like the person I see in the mirror is not the person I know myself to be, but I have never doubted that I am attractive to some people and I know I am cute, even if I am not the epitome of what culture dictates.

I have thought about my thought today. I have immediately negated it and wondered why it would even come to mind. I am a little upset, especially as I have been working out for the past month and I have been feeling even more kick-ass than usual. I can see clothes are fitting a little better - okay, I am still not fitting into my "skinny" clothes - but I can see that what I wear feels more like it is hugging my curves rather than strangling them into submission.I have been noticing that it does not take my breath away to run for more than a second and my heart is not running like a jack hammer in my chest when I take a flight of stairs. For all these reasons, should not I be feeling more positive?

An Idea Sort of Girl

I have always realized that I am an idea girl; that my mind is always thinking about how something can be done better, quicker, differently. About why somethings work the way they do and then why other things seem to work differently. I think I ended up in research because I had all these ideas and wanted to get my own answers. And why I may have been a great researcher, but not such a great student - I love the ideas and answering them, which leads to more ideas, but I did not like the task of having to actually disseminate the results as much.

So, not surprisingly, I recently went out to an event and while I enjoyed my time at the venue, I immediately started thinking about all the suggestions I would make, as the current incarnation did not really live up to my expectations. Maybe my expectations were a bit higher than they should have been, but there were some positives. The presentation was perfect: in terms of setting, I do not think more could have been asked for. But in terms of all the little nuances (and some of the bigger ones) - well, more thought should have been put into it.

So, like a true idea girl, I spent most of my time making a mental list of all the things I would change if I had a chance and all the suggestions that I would make to perhaps attract more people and keep the ones who come. I am willing to give the place a second chance, if nothing more to fine tune my opinions. But I am also in the mood to make my ideas move from being more than free-floating thoughts. I am starting to be less of an idea girl and more of an action woman

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

I am reminded of why I hate dating. Not because I have been on a date recently or even because I am pondering going on a date with anyone anytime soon. But because I have been reminded how much I suck at reading other people at times, especially if I am concerned about that individual (concerned is just another word for possibly interested). Not only do I suck at reading other people, but then I get all nervous about what the other person is thinking and whether I am somehow infringing on their time. I become overly concerned (in this case, the true sense of concerned) about how I interact with that person and suddenly, it is all downhill from there.

To me, dating is a mind field and there is not a way to detect the possible traps and pitfalls that may happen. You can try to side step them, after taking a good guess at what they are, but there is no guarantee. I have never been good at dates - am I being too forward, not forward enough? Does he know that twirling my hair and touching his leg is a sign that I like him? Am I even following the rules (and more importantly, what were the rules as I have forgotten completely?). I hate the wondering and the constant confusion. The thought that maybe making time for me is a good sign; walking me to my car, probably a good sign. Being evasive about spending more time than absolutely necessary (is there a certain amount of time that makes a date a date?), probably not the best of signs (or maybe, no sign at all other than a busy schedule).

As you may know, I think too much. I spent too much time analyzing my life and my thoughts and possibly the thoughts of others around me. And I try to guess, and when I could care less, I tend to be spot on. When I care, it changes things. Suddenly, I have a stake in how things work themselves out and so my interpretations may be a little biased. Hell, little; a lot. I want things to be favourable and yet, there is the part of me that always believes the negative of any situation and looks for the dark side of every cloud. So, dating is a constant internal war. I am up in the polls, I am down in the polls; I am not even in the running anymore.

So perhaps dating is a see-saw. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down. But in the end, dating is like being on a carnival ride. It is scary when you're waiting in line, the anticipation is a killer, but once things get started, it is a whole lot of fun. And when you step off and the ride is over, all you want to do is get another chance again.

Are You Satisfied?

It is one of those days where I start thinking about whether life is truly satisfying. That feeling of being happy and being content that seems to occur so infrequently makes me nervous and thus, I start to assess. Is this what satisfaction feels like? Is that what it means to be happy and feeling settled for even a brief moment in my life. I know it does not mean that I am ready to settle - no, not by any stretch of the imagination. If anything, I am that much closer to starting to spread my wings and venture ever onwards and upwards, but still, is this what satisfaction feels like?

I have been feeling happy about the small things and the big things. About how my life has been falling into place and I have made the effort to really go outside of my comfort zone and do things that could being so much more to me, now that I am here. I have invited others to join me on activities that I find intriguing and I have decided that come what may, I will still move forward with plans, whether anyone wants to join in with me or no. But is this satisfaction?

I have realized that I can feel excited about being out with friends. That I can enjoy their company as just a friend, that I can get excited about possibilities, and yet, at the same time, I can also be cautious and keep sane. No restless nights wondering. As much fun as that can be, and as much as some people who may never know it continue to touch my life in ways that they do now know and never may, I do not feel that need to keep myself guessing. Instead, I feel the need to just roll with my life as it is; to just be satisfied.

Alone Among the Masses

I know someone who recently commented that it is amazing that with all the friends that we collect these days, it sometimes the times where we feel most human that we realize how little friends we actually have. Maybe my friend did not say those exact words, but the gist was there. Basically, the idea that even though we are more connected in our lives - social networking sites, online dating, blogs, the whole shebang -we may be less connected to the people we know.

I can relate. It is not a fluke of my nature that when I was going through the most difficult time of my life, I suddenly pared down the "friends" on my social network, and made my daily happenings harder to access than the US Mint. In my life, I was experiencing a lot that I found hard to deal with and needed to feel protected. Hence, I drew my shell in - in a metaphorical sense - and in a literal sense, I restricted my online life and all the people who interacted with me in that manner.

My friend has reminded me of my resolutions - of how I am trying to reconnect with people I know and love. How hard it has been to feel that I belong over the past year, how many strides I have taken in the last month alone, and how far I still have to go. It reminds me that those little unexpected gestures can mean so much, even though we think that they are not noticed or that they have been disregarded. That sometimes what we see as nothing at all can mean the world to someone else.