The Light of Love

I find that love has been on mind in the past couple of days. Not because I am professing to currently be in love and not because I am looking for love: I am one of those people who truly believes that love finds you, and you can't ever search for it. If anything, searching for love is the antithesis of getting what you're looking for. No, love has been on my mind because I have been discussing relationships and feelings with a variety of friends in my life - sometimes living vicariously through them, sometimes simply talking about what ifs and different paths had we stuck with this relationship or that one.

And one thing has stood out to me: a friend made the comment that when last he was in love, people noticed a difference without always knowing why. People pointed out a certain glow about him, an air of happiness and contentment. And I remembered that I myself had been one of those people. More than that, I reflected on the first person I fell in love with and how people used to say the same thing to me. Friends could tell when I had just talked to him on the phone (most of the relationship was long distance) and when we were together, there were certain situations that provoked some insecurity and anger on my part. And again, it was reflected in my countenance. It was just there - visible for all to see, should they care to look.

I have been thinking about that, because I am learning new things everyday about the relationships I have had. I am not sure if I can say that I have been in love more than that one time. At least, not in the same sense. I know that people have said that myself and others make a good couple; or that we look happy together. But that sense of glowing, even when not in the person's presence? I have not experienced that again. Well, maybe that is not entirely true. I have glowed in someone's presence; hell, I have glowed when simply speaking or thinking about that person, but without knowing how the other person feels. So I can't rightfully call i,t 'love'. Love to me means reciprocation and mutual understanding of the term. Sure, your partner may not be as in love with you as you are with them, but there should be the understanding that you are in love with someone who returns some of that affection and feeling.

In all fairness, I don't always think love is the end all and be all of every relationship. I have learnt something from everyone I have dated and I don't regret any of them for a moment. But, at the same thing, all this thinking about love has given me the understanding that it is what matters to me in a relationship. Finding, Falling, Feeling, Being in love. It all matters to me; it is the one thing that I can not do without in my life.