DD Revisited

I thought this was a topic worth revisiting as for various reasons, I have had dating and mating on my mind - in one form or another. And not necessarily for myself, either. It just seems there is a lot of spring fever going around, so why not think a little more about why I am not experiencing a spring in my step yet....

I was talking to my best friend about the recent blog I had written about reasons I seem not to get any play when I am in the United States. And she had some thoughts to add. For one thing, she mentioned that one of the issues which I identified - my preference for interracial relationships - she identified as perhaps having more to do with how hard it is to classify me. That is not a derogatory as it sounds; rather, it stems from the fact that I am multi-racial and my looks do reflect that. Something I am quite proud of. But as she mentioned, it makes people harder to figure out who I am and how to relate to me. As she put it, I am so exotic that I scare them off. Especially in a city like Miami.

Her solution? Probably the only city that would work well for me in terms of dating is New York. Sounds crazy, right? Perhaps not so much. On further reflection, I do remember there were more overt romantic gestures and interest in me when I spent three months living in New York. Of course, maybe with more time than three months, I would have been able to have actually done something with the interest. Ahhh, wasted chances and opportunities I guess.

The other reason I may not be hot to trot compared with my time in London? Apparently, I am not willing to slut myself out (I know, shocking, right? Well, for those who know me well!!! LOL), But she is right; Miami is a young, hot, vibrant city and if you're a young, hot, vibrant person, dating is easy. I, however, am hot but I am no longer that young and I am only quietly vibrant. Not outwardly so. Not outwardly in the sense of microscopic minis and v-neck tops that drop down to my belly button. So I guess I will take my hot, quiet, older self off to a corner and sit quietly contemplating the dating scene, but not jumping into it.

Scar Tissue

Somehow, I seem to be more accident prone than normal. I was recently giving my body the once over (especially as it is warmer weather now, which means more baring of skin) and realized that I have got loads more scars than I remember. There are scars of the inevitable spills, bumps, and cuts from having an active life as well as the scars that are a little deeper and longer to heal.

For example, I hate wearing shorts or skirts unless I am wearing tights underneath. I have eschewed anything short in favour of wearing jeans and trousers for the last nine years - all because I have a scar - right below the knew - that I consider noticeable that I care not to share with the wider world. To me, it is a bright neon sign that something was massively wrong and so I hide it when I can. But in company that I consider more intimate, when I have had to bear this particular (and to me, grossly obvious) defect, few have noted it or made any comment. Strange how we imbue our defects with a much larger power over us than they actually have....

I have also got scars from injuries I am proud of because they speak of a life lived; some scars, like the one of my left arm looks like a cat scratch but actually came from negotiating some stairs that I did not know well, in the dark, after a night out with friends. Bumped against the concrete banister and as they say, the rest is history. Recently, most of my scars seem to be scrapes and cuts from arranging the shelves and closets in my space and bumping into wire shelves and sharp edges. But a tidy space is a happy space (at least for me) so I battle on against the choas.

I, like many people, have some scars so old, they have faded and I would not know where to find them anymore, even if I looked. And yet, the scars are indelible: all of them. All a reminder of a time and a place and an event and a moment that has happened to make a mark on me. After all, is that all scars really are?

A Decent Night Out

I have to say that I am normally not the type who likes to spend a weekend night out and about - the noise, the crowds, the prices. But it has been a while since I saw my best friend and considering I have spent the last ten years being separated by massive travel distances from her, spending time together when possible is always a good thing. Add that to the fact that we had plans for Wednesday that had to be canceled, and I was ready to head out with my best girl and have some fun. Luckily, bgf* is just my speed: she had work in the morning, so no overly late night and she understands about my 'not even a sip' when I am driving, so she does not try to harass me about not drinking.

We decided to spend a quiet night drinking at Sunset Tavern. The last time I went there was about four years ago; it was myself, bgf, and two of our friends, Vasco and Tony. We then proceeded to spend about six hours there, with the three others drinking beer and myself drinking diet coke. We were giving Tony a good send off as it was a)his last night in Miami and b)he might have been subsequently shipped off to Iraq when he got back to England. We managed to make an impressive collection of beer bottles on the tiny table, also made friends with tables near to us (and got bought pitchers of beer for the guy about to do 'his' country proud - they obviously could not hear the Scottish accent that well in their sotted state) and there were some hilarious moments -the kind that only occur when you're the sole sober and the drunken antics are beyond crazy. So the plan was the spend an evening there once more; not necessarily to remember old habits, but more to revisit old haunts.
I managed to also touch base with a couple of people and one of our friends from Uni was going to be going out in the neighbourhood anyways, so planned to pop by where we were before his other brthday celebrations and then head on over. I gave him the time of eight o'clock as when we aimed to be at Sunset Tavern, but for various reasons we were late. Some of these included the fact that I have not worn high heels in about three months to go out, much less driven in high heels in more than three years. So, as I jumped in the car, I had to take the driving a bit more cautiously than usual because suddenly, there was a massive obstacle whenever I exerted force on the gas and the brake - namely, a four ince heel (the thinsg we suffer for fashion). Add to that the sudden showers of rain after Florida had been in the grip of a dry spell since the beginning of the year, and slightly slicked roads were another reason to play it more on the cautious side. But I made it to my bgf's house in good time, only to find she was not ready, as coming home from work had been a nightmare. So tack on some exra time for getting ready to vamoose, travelling cautiously to the rendevous point, and then finding parking, and we were at the Tavern by nine.

We sat and chatted, had some drinks in the warm night air, and just generally caught up (the three of us). Then Raf mentioned that he had to get moving to his next birthday shindig, and invited us along, which we decided to spend a bit of time at. It was at a bowling alley called "Splitsville" - you know the kind that has been springing up recently: only for adults, with loads of lethal cocktails and 'gourmet' fare to eat. We settled up at the Tavern (well, Raf did as he would not allow us to pitch in) and then walked on over to the bowling alley. When we got there, the party with Raf's friend was in full swing. And from there, it just got fun. First it was round at the table of shots called "liquid Cocaine" - it apparently had Goldschlagger, Mint Midori, 151, and Jagger all mixed together. I understand the sensation was one of burning and instant drunkeness (at least, from what I could see around me). Then came the cocktail bowls (see picture to the right). Basically, thing a medium-sized fishbowl full of your choice of specialty cocktail. It was a bit like passing around a smoke at the table or something, which each person taking a sip and passing to the left :-D

After that, the conversation, good times, and good music were in full swing. I was sober (I swear) but you know me well: I don't need alcohol to just have a rip roaring good time and joined in the various hijinks (see picture to left). I am not sure what I was doing, but this may have been around the time I was a bit puzzled when I asked someone if they minded if I borrowed their bum for a photo (I was planning to pretend smack that) and was told that the person (guy) was not gay. But there was dancing and lots of getting to know strangers, and all said and done, when we left around midnight (after trying to force Raf to take some money for the drinks and snacks, which ended with me sticking bills in his pants at various locations), we had a really fun night out. Hurrah! Oh yeah, and the upside: I actually went somewhere that I got checked out at. Huzzah times two :-D

*bgf means 'best girlfriend'

Talking About a Good Ol' Fashioned B*tch Slap

I am annoyed. Clearly, someone in my life needs to get a good bitch slap or something akin to that, in order for me to feel less annoyed. But it is not going to happen, so I am going to share with you folks why and what can annoy me.

There was someone in my life a while ago that I did not feel that friendly towards anymore, and for good reason. I did not plan on spending time with this person, taking their phone calls, or even being social if encountered. And because I share mutual friends with this person, I decided to limit the amount of information that this person could learn about me and my life since they had been relegated to a position outside the sphere. And it seems to have worked fine for the last year or so. There were times when I had conversations with mutual friends, that I knew things made its way back to them; But I also was more guarded with people who knew the person better than they knew me. I am an open person generally and stick to the motto of if you ask me, I will tell you. But being open with friends does not mean I need to be open with the whole world.

But I have noticed recently that some of the steps I took are breaking down. For one thing, technology is letting me down. Suddenly, what was a restricted zone to this person has become something they have access to; even more so, this person has started to establish a sort of interaction via the medium of mutual friends. And it annoys me. Because for all intent and purposes, I'm not interested in being nice. I have blocked them via various applications, I have had conversations that made it abundantly clear that I am not interested in any continued contact, and with a seemingly short memory span of about a year, the person is back. I am annoyed at the applications that fail me, I am annoyed at the fact that my words carry no weight, and I am annoyed at the idea of sacrificing friends to maintain the distance I sought.

It seems to be one of those days where anything just ups the ante on the annoyance factor, rather than lessening it. And it is not even five o'clock yet (not like getting to the end of the workday should matter, especially as considering I don't work). I am annoyed by friends who lie to me about the most insignificant and smallest things. Things that would be better handled with the truth; but instead, I am left wondering why I seem to value their friendship so highly if they seem to value me so little. I am annoyed by the things I know and wish I did not because, sometimes, it means having a clearer assessment of a situation than someone else does. And sometimes it means making hard choices about whether you let the illusion lie or whether you shatter the peaceful idyll. There are so many things that could add to the annoyance I feel, and yet only one simple remedy. The ability to bitch slap someone, but good, would solve all my annoyances. Maybe they won't disappear but at least it is a good outlet.

The Light of Love

I find that love has been on mind in the past couple of days. Not because I am professing to currently be in love and not because I am looking for love: I am one of those people who truly believes that love finds you, and you can't ever search for it. If anything, searching for love is the antithesis of getting what you're looking for. No, love has been on my mind because I have been discussing relationships and feelings with a variety of friends in my life - sometimes living vicariously through them, sometimes simply talking about what ifs and different paths had we stuck with this relationship or that one.

And one thing has stood out to me: a friend made the comment that when last he was in love, people noticed a difference without always knowing why. People pointed out a certain glow about him, an air of happiness and contentment. And I remembered that I myself had been one of those people. More than that, I reflected on the first person I fell in love with and how people used to say the same thing to me. Friends could tell when I had just talked to him on the phone (most of the relationship was long distance) and when we were together, there were certain situations that provoked some insecurity and anger on my part. And again, it was reflected in my countenance. It was just there - visible for all to see, should they care to look.

I have been thinking about that, because I am learning new things everyday about the relationships I have had. I am not sure if I can say that I have been in love more than that one time. At least, not in the same sense. I know that people have said that myself and others make a good couple; or that we look happy together. But that sense of glowing, even when not in the person's presence? I have not experienced that again. Well, maybe that is not entirely true. I have glowed in someone's presence; hell, I have glowed when simply speaking or thinking about that person, but without knowing how the other person feels. So I can't rightfully call i,t 'love'. Love to me means reciprocation and mutual understanding of the term. Sure, your partner may not be as in love with you as you are with them, but there should be the understanding that you are in love with someone who returns some of that affection and feeling.

In all fairness, I don't always think love is the end all and be all of every relationship. I have learnt something from everyone I have dated and I don't regret any of them for a moment. But, at the same thing, all this thinking about love has given me the understanding that it is what matters to me in a relationship. Finding, Falling, Feeling, Being in love. It all matters to me; it is the one thing that I can not do without in my life.

Dating Dilemmas

One of the things that I noticed a difference in once I got to the UK was that I was actually attracting and dating the kind of guys that I wanted to. I figured it just had something to do with my being a new single, finally having gotten over the heartbreak of a serious relationship, and being a bit more inclined to "play the field" - so to speak. In fact, I assumed I was attracting attention because I had started eating better (re: healthier and less) since having landed on Britain's shores and thus, weight loss was equal to new found uber-attractiveness when out and about.

But I am learning that I can not seem to simply sum up my attractiveness in Britain to personal qualities. Well, it goes beyond personal qualities as I am back in the States and I am realizing why I never really seemed to have as much success here as I did over there. For one thing, I have noticed that America still has hang ups when it comes to race. Oh, white guys in general don't seem to mind dating other races, as long as those races tend towards the fair (I am talking lighter skinned Hispanics and Asians here). In a sense, it is almost as though interracial dating is only okay as long as the other person can "pass" for white. There just seems something inherently wrong in that to me. Maybe because I can in no way pass for white; but also maybe because I am not interested in passing for something else. It is why I get upset when people in the States just assume I am African-American. I am not. I am neither African nor American and I am proud of all the heritage that I can lay claim to: Chinese, Indian, Portuguese, White and Black.


The difference was that being in an interracial couple did not seem so much of an issue when I was in London. Sure, when I stepped outside of London and realized that being seen in the company of someone not of my race - hell, being of my race and there - was something novel, I realized that maybe things were not that different in some respects. But still, in the capital, it was possibly more to my advantage that I did not look like over ninety percent of the population. I stood out - in a good way - and I was considered exotic for my looks, not somehow shunned for them. It made me feel completely comfortable in my skin for once.

And speaking of skin, the other thing that seems a detriment now that I am possibly looking to expand my life beyond the job hunt is that I have so much of it :-D I guess that is just a nice way of saying that I am "zaftag" or "rubenesque". Speaking plainly, I am overweight. Just like more than half of the American population. But I prefer to think of myself as curvy; not because I am trying to sugarcoat the fact that I am bigger than the average girl (well, actually not so much statistically - I am just bigger than the ideal), but because I am healthy and wear the extra pounds well as my friends can attest to. But here, in the States, trying to date when you're considered outside of that standard means few - if any guys - are willing to take the chance and look beyond the surface. I am sure that I am probably labelled as any number of unattractive adjectives because of my size. When I compare the state of things to my time in London, I just shake my head and smile. Being my size was not considered a detriment - instead, guys (friends and lovers alike) adored the fact that I had curves, and most importantly, that meant I had boobs (or jugs or knockers or the myriad number of things you can classify them as).

In all honesty, I miss the approach to dating that characterized English society: It was more accepting and straight forward in many senses. And I felt like I was on equal footing with all the many girls out there. Here, I feel relegated to the side lines. And while I might have been happy with my lot years ago, I now know differently through experience; I am not unloveable or undesireable just because of who I am. I am a complete goddess, in all the areas of love that count. And I have brought that sense back with me: that I am worthwhile, that I am an irresistable creature, someone completely at comfort in her suit of skin. That is why I find it sad that I know that I have so much to offer, and yet I am once again relegated to the status of second-best pick (if even that high). I am not willing to give up the sense of self I have found nor am I willing to take a year's enforced celibacy because American society still has its puritanical, prejudiced mindset. Hence my connection connundrum and my dating dilemma. Solution????

Blockbuster Summer

Well, summer is officially upon us as all the action movies are hitting the theaters - big box office blockbusters with budgets that seems to rival the bail out packages. And who does not want a bit of escapism in this day and age? So here is my quick review of the movies that are on my list, in no particular order (well, except perhaps release date States-side):

X-Men Origins: Wolverine - look to your left. Do I need any more explanation for why I would want to see this movie? Yum, yum. But other than that (and possibly showing just how truly geek I am), I have always preferred the origin story lines when reading comics (and I do mean comics, not that graphic novel crap that has become popular as of late). So this has it all: hot lead, interesting story arc, and hopefully some great action sequences. And this is one movie that I know I will definitely be seeing this weekend.

Star Trek - I actually did not think that Star Trek could get any sexier than Next Generation with Patrick Stuart but my god, do I love the new cast! First off, Simon Pegg (think Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz) as Scottie??? Absolutely brilliant! Secondly, John Cho is one of my favourite actors - he is the very reason I have watched the Harold and Kumar movies, and he is a sibling to my favourite comeddianne of all times! So I am heartily looking forward to this movie. And the really sexy Spock and Captain Kirk make it quadrupally(?) worthwhile.

Angels and Demons - Well, I have read both books and preferred the first book to the one that everyone made all the fuss about ( you know, a little thing called The DaVinci Code). Just like the last movie, I want to go for the supporting actors. Sorry, but Tom Hanks really is not the kind of person I thought Robert Langdon would be. So, last time, it was all about Paul Bettany's Silas - there was something immensely sexy about some of those scences but that may be another topic for another time. And this time around, it is all about Ewan McGregor as a catholic cardinal. Which I would have to say is a waste of a hottie scottie. But absolutely bloody lovely casting.....

Another bit of casting genius is Christian Bale in Terninatior: Salvation. We all know he does brooding and dark well, and whom better to resuurect the franchise. I do think this is the one things I hate about summer: all the sequels and franchises get revised, for better or for worst. Yet this seems like a good way to go - after all, all the other Terminator movies focused on the robots as the main star and after about four of those, it really is time to root for the good guy; for the humans. And with all the publicity that Bale has gotten, this movie is sure to draw the crowds.

Okay, I will admit: this one seems a little not my speed given that I have been waxing poetically (well, not so much poetically as just waxing on and on about all the hotties in the summer season) about action flicks left and right. Yet I enjoyed the first one, so I thought why not give the second one a shot. And I do like Ben Stiller, even when all of his characters seem the same, no matter what the flick or th subject matter. And if I watched Tropic Thunder and managed to get some laughs out of it, how much worse could Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian can't be that much worse.

Dance Flick - because even if the spoof flick is merely drivel, I still find some fun in trying to figure out all the myriad films they are trying to copying. And the dance genre is just ripe for some parody and apeing.

This is where I am showing my age and the decade during which I grew up - this is the first of the summer flicks that harkens back to a simpler time, a time that I know well. I am so geeked to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I enjoyed the first one immensely and wish that I could go see this film with the same date I had for the last one. But arranging a trip up to Chicago just to see a film? Highly unlikely.

Bruno - Sacha Baron Cohen? Unanimated??? Apparently duped Paula Abdul (admittedly, that probably is not that hard)??? Must See!!!!! Oh, yeah, and we just love the gays...

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs - I have neices and nephews, so this is on the list as a family choice. Something that I could go see - and something I am sure to be dragged to. But on a more interesting side note, I thought the Ice Age (with the woolly mammoths and all that) happened well after the dinosaurs had expired. My science might be wrong or I may have watched too many hollywood movies with cave men hunting sabers and mammoths but still, how can the ice age include the dawn of an extinct species?? Answers, please!

Another possible family favourite but the one that I want to see on my own is Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. If you might remember, I spent earlier this year finally getting around to completing the Harry Potter series and even read the last book in one night (thank god I was unemployed, right?) and so I am always curious to see how the movies diverge from the books and trying to figure whether the book or the movie was better or in the end, should be considered two seperate aspects of the same phenomenon - related, but should not be compared as being inherently similar. Plus, the actors are getting a bit older and so much hotter. Though a hotter Potter is still jail bait for me.

Another harkening back to the eighties comes courtesy of G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - I think I have been hungering for this film since I first heard it was in production. I'm not normally one of the rabid internet denizens who follows movies through pre-production and beyond, offering commentary and insight and catching up on all the gossip. But I do love real American heroes and I absolutely believe that knowing is half the battle (don't get it? Don't go see this movie!).

Another sequel I am on the fence about, but would watch if I have nothing better to do and someone wants to pay for my ticket (hint, hint) would be Final Destination: Death Trip. The reason I have faithfully watched all these movies? Because the initial premonition ends up being so absolutely sickening that it is a thrill to watch. After that, the movie just tends to be a gore-fest but those first twenty minutes? Always entertaining and always novel.

Another two that I have heard some about - but not much - and still waiting to see the trailers in order to make a final determination would be District 9 and Inglourious Basterds. There are also a couple of indies that I would not mind paying an afternoon/matinee rate (i.e. cheaper) to go see, including The Ugly Truth, Rudi y Curci, and Julie and Julia.