Attractive Forces

If you have been reading, then you know that I blog when it is about life, love or the general pursuit of happiness. Because happiness to me is pretty much equal to sanity. Or at least, a sanity that works in the real world.

But something has been circling around and around in my mind, and instead of burdening my friends and colleagues with yet another play by play of an encounter that leaves me perplexed, I am turning to my trusty sanity catcher. The thing that lets me spill all my thoughts and eventually shift through the chaff. 

I have been thinking alot about attraction and trying to define it for myself. Because I am trying to understand why I am attracted to certain people and not others and I am also trying to figure out if I am attractive. I feel like I could be pithy and say things like "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." or "Like forces attract." but that does not really solve my problem as I have become so attracted to someone who is so completely not like me, that even good friends take the news with more than a liberal helping of salt and then ask me if I really want to wander down this road (what is the best answer to that? I feel as though I am more forced to take this path than necessarily having a choice...)

So, what is that indefinable thing called attraction and how do we know when it is working? For me, I am attracted to potential partners so infrequently that I often feel that is attraction is that fifteen ton hammer that suddenly falls and leaves me smitten. I can not seem to control it and I wish I could pick more suitable targets, but then I guess it could be argued that it is not really attraction or love if you get to pick and choose. Instead you have to hope that while you are falling, hopefully the other person is falling too. Maybe not at the same rate, but reciprocation is always better than negation. 

As for the working of this all, I wish I had a better idea. Having taken about half a year to be willing to admit to myself - much less others - that I really like this person, it has taken me another six months of trying to interpret interactions to drive me into quite the state. Does it mean anything when someone you're not even sure is a friend gives you one of the most wonderful perfect presents? Or what about when plans are blown off at the last minute or you're made to feel as though you're the obligation that must be suffered through? And what if all these things are from one and the same? How do you judge that person's attraction to you? Or should you just give up (this is where I feel as though I have landed after six months of thinking too much and too often about this all), hoping that the attraction you feel can find a like target; a south to your north. Because the funny thing about attractive forces is that sometimes, they just seem to repel.