Venus

For those who know me well, you will know that I am not one who is prone to let a mood take me away. I have my ups and downs, but for the most part, I tend to be on a pretty even keel. Which I am thankful for; I have talked about some of my depressive episodes and the life lessons that have brought me low on this medium, so no need to rehash the details (or, at least, the details can easily be rehashed via the nifty archive feature) but there is something I wanted to talk about: body image.

I have a friend who reminds me that body image is subjective; every time I see her, I think how she is exactly the type of figure I would like to be - tall, shapely, but not too slender. But say that to her face and she is as likely to tell you the million and one things that she finds wrong with herself. Too tall - tall enough to be mistaken for a tranny. Too shapely, with bits jiggling and wiggling. And slender would be the ideal - stick think with no excess anything on the bones. Sometimes, to hear her talk, I feel a bit sad: that my ideal should be someone else's idea of a prison, a cruel joke, a capricious whim of life.

It makes me think I am not shooting high enough. But then I realize that it is not about beauty just being in the eye of the beholder. It is about what the beholden's eye chooses to focus on. For me, I often feel like Venus. Yes, sometimes I think of myself as some mythical goddess of love - able to inspire men to fall at my feet and offer homage (which feels particularly true of my time in England) but other times, I feel like some classically exaggerated fertility goddess. Some Venus with a rotund shape, more wobble than wiggle, and bits that go out when in fact, they should be going in.

In my saner moments - those moments where I am on an even keel or god forbid, flooded with happiness - I know that is not what I look like. I know that any wobble is a good thing as it means curves and flesh meant to be held. I know that curves that go out can be as sexy as curves that go in, almost seeming to touch each other. But in those days where my day is not going well or that outfit just does not seem to come together, I have these moments where I am monster, pretending to be a girl. I am a being from out of the clouds, but more likely meant to cause strife and despair than bring love and kindness.