And This is Why I Hate Octobers...

As some of you may know, my life is in a lot of turmoil in the past couple of months and I have had to make the hard decision to give Cam away to a good and loving home. It is best for her, as my life is not very stable and I want her to have as much love as possible and a good home to go to.

A little bit about Cam:

I adopted her from a shelter in Chicago about four and a half years ago. She was a stray dog and when I adopted her, they said she was about four years old. That makes her about nine years old. For such a mature dog, she is still pretty sprightly but does have a bit of a stiff back left leg. I have been feeding her treats with glucosamine in them, but also the jointcare treats from Pedigree.

She is a people dog: she loves to be petted and cuddled but I have found her to be intensely loyal. She is also very protective of her owner and while she has never bitten anyone, someone with some knowledge of animals, especially dogs would deal well with her. She is fully house trained and responds to many commands, including 'high five' and 'shake'. For a dog, she prefers to take walks rather than chasing a ball or sticks, but she will run after any small animals, such as squirrels, birds, etc. and has been known to sometimes catch and kill (she is an animal and it is instinct).

As you can see in the pictures, Cam is a medium sized dog. She is under forty pounds (roughly 18 kilo). As mentioned, she is probably about nine years old. She is a mixed breed dog, but definitely part chow-chow as her tongue is mottled purple. She has a mostly black coat with some brown, grey, and white brindling on her snout and legs. She has a double coat, which means a shorter coat as well as the longer coat that you can see. This means regular brushing is a requirement, and she also tends to shed.

For the next week, I have placed Cam with an agency that will take care of her, but by Thursday, October 23rd, 2008 I will need to either have found a home for her or else I will need to take her to a no-kill shelter. I would prefer to know with whom Cam will be staying, as she has been a great companion over the past couple of years. And I think she still has so much love to give and she deserves so much love as well.

Venus

For those who know me well, you will know that I am not one who is prone to let a mood take me away. I have my ups and downs, but for the most part, I tend to be on a pretty even keel. Which I am thankful for; I have talked about some of my depressive episodes and the life lessons that have brought me low on this medium, so no need to rehash the details (or, at least, the details can easily be rehashed via the nifty archive feature) but there is something I wanted to talk about: body image.

I have a friend who reminds me that body image is subjective; every time I see her, I think how she is exactly the type of figure I would like to be - tall, shapely, but not too slender. But say that to her face and she is as likely to tell you the million and one things that she finds wrong with herself. Too tall - tall enough to be mistaken for a tranny. Too shapely, with bits jiggling and wiggling. And slender would be the ideal - stick think with no excess anything on the bones. Sometimes, to hear her talk, I feel a bit sad: that my ideal should be someone else's idea of a prison, a cruel joke, a capricious whim of life.

It makes me think I am not shooting high enough. But then I realize that it is not about beauty just being in the eye of the beholder. It is about what the beholden's eye chooses to focus on. For me, I often feel like Venus. Yes, sometimes I think of myself as some mythical goddess of love - able to inspire men to fall at my feet and offer homage (which feels particularly true of my time in England) but other times, I feel like some classically exaggerated fertility goddess. Some Venus with a rotund shape, more wobble than wiggle, and bits that go out when in fact, they should be going in.

In my saner moments - those moments where I am on an even keel or god forbid, flooded with happiness - I know that is not what I look like. I know that any wobble is a good thing as it means curves and flesh meant to be held. I know that curves that go out can be as sexy as curves that go in, almost seeming to touch each other. But in those days where my day is not going well or that outfit just does not seem to come together, I have these moments where I am monster, pretending to be a girl. I am a being from out of the clouds, but more likely meant to cause strife and despair than bring love and kindness.

Big Girl, You are Beautiful

Here's the thing - I love Halloween. I think it is one of the better holidays, as you get to dress up and be someone/something you are not in everyday life. It is all about creativity and experimenting and having a good time. And candy. So, all in all, one of the better holidays without any religious significance (at least, none that we really acknowledge) tacked on.

However, I get annoyed by the whole idea of buying a costume. Sure, I could start with how expensive it can get and how you probably will only wear said costume once; how the best are gone months in advance of Halloween or how most costumes seem to be one theme, repeated over and over again (have a black dress? Go as a zombie/witch/vampiress/sorceress/medieval woman/etc/etc). But my true pet peeve is women's costumes; specifically, plus-sized costumes.

First off, I am glad that some stores do offer a choice. No more having to design or make your own costume if you're a bit more curvy; instead, like every other female, you can walk into a store and browse and buy something ready made. But what are the options? For one thing, while 'normal' female costumes tend to trend towards the sexy end of the spectrum (i.e. sexy grave digger), plus-sized costumes have their own theme. A black sheet draped over the body to the ankles? Plus-sized witch costume. A white sheet draped over the body to the ankles? Plus-sized ghost. A white sheet draped over the body to the ankles with a gold-leaf crown? Plus-sized goddess! The message seems to be that since I am plus-sized, my body is a thing of shame and should be covered up; a thought I just have to snort derisively at.

My second irritation is the costume world's (and sometimes stores too) definition of plus-sized. According to most costume adverts, if I am a size 12 or 14, I should be buying plus-sized. What??? What happens to the girls like me who fall well into the plus-sized camp at size 20? Can't I dress up in a floor-length sheet as well for twice what a normal sized girl pays? Apparently not. I guess the thought is that fat girls like me do not need to go trick or treating - after all, was not it candy that got me into this fine mess in the first place? I feel like it's my constant crusade to mention that, like any other person, I deserve options; I deserve not to feel bad about myself just because I want something new; and not to feel that I fall so far outside of the curve that I do not deserve to show my face.

There's Something About Harry

Over the past week, I have had one person on my mind and it all started so innocently, from watching a video posted on facebook of this person - let's call him HE - singing show tunes. Now, I know the above sentence calls a couple of things to mind: 1) facebook stalking but I was not really; just trying to keep up with my friends from afar; and 2) singing showtunes but trust me, he is not gay, just uber-talented and able to bring rat pack cool to something that has gone the way of the dinosuars.

But I digress. The thing is, I was yet again amazed by how talented HE is. I have always admired HE, especially when he followed his dream; moved on from simply having a job and took himself back into a career he loved. I have admired the silly sarcastic way he has of making his friends laugh, his ability to make the most shocking comments seems insanely funny and almost normal. And I have admired him for the longest time because he impressed me. He made me look at him in a different light and it was the fist time in a long time someone had made me do so.

So I have had HE on the brain. It is a bit annoying but it has also been good. It has made me assess my life right now, and why I seem to be stuck in a holding pattern, rather than off experiencing things to the fullest. It has made me remember what it is like to be madly in love with someone and to wonder/hope/dream that that person felt the same way. And it has made me remember some very very good times with a wonderful friend, who mananged to always be on the periphery of my life but mean so very much to me, without even knowing it.