Resolve, Resounding, Resolution

I guess it is that time of year to think about all the things that I would like to accomplish. Or at least, to figure out all the ways I went wrong in the year gone by and all the mistakes that I do not care to repeat in the new year. But then, time is circular and it all seems to come around again; so perhaps it is not about trying to avoid situations but instead having the end result - the resolution as you will - be somewhat different and somehow better. So, I am looking behind me - at the wide cut swath of scars - and figuring out where things should be, could be different.

I know that I have not succeeded in love this past year. I have been successful in sating some of my desires - but love, I still have yet to find. And being a bit wary after the year I have had, I find that I have somehow lost the lust for love I once had. I am becoming more and more convinced that perhaps traditional views are not for me. Whether this is a passing fancy - the thrill of the new and forbidden or something more lasting, I am not sure. Yet I know that those who have excited me in the past still hold the possibility of doing so, but life impinges. Situations are not perfect. And I find myself withdrawing - whether to protect a still vulnerable heart or because my intuition has been sharpened by being beat across the rocky coldness of others before, who can say. And I wonder if withdrawal is the coward's way out - something I have never been but perhaps something I am becoming more and more??

My life is no where near where I thought it would be. I have spent the last three months of my life keenly aware of that thing that has haunted me for most of my life, except this time personified and made real. This feeling of unbelonging that has always dogged my footsteps - something I thought I had shed at this time last year - looms ever larger in my life and I find that the more years that past with this feeling of being adrift in my own life, the more and more uncertain I become that this life is really my own to direct. It is hard knowing how to look ahead to an uncertain future when it is so much easier to focus on all that has gone before - the solid foundation of facts - but nothing in the past is really worth holding on to.

And yet I find myself holding on to things. I find myself holding on to resentment and distrust; I find myself holding on to all the past grievances that have been perpetrated against me. And I do not know how to forgive or forget any longer. Perhaps there truly is no such thing or perhaps as the years have passed, I have just found it harder and harder to take in everything and push it down - subsume all the hurt and blame and anger under a layer of nicety and friendship and trust. And in the end, I am finding that I no longer want to forgive or 'play nice'. I am no longer willing to 'keep the peace' for the sake of others. I have become a bit more selfish in this respect - what you see, is what you get. I am not about to be someone you think I should be or someone you want me to be. I am not perfect - have never claimed to be and in fact, quite the opposite - but I am what I present myself as.