Love is a Losing Game

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Know this about me: I am über-competitive. So much so, that I have been banned from playing any sort of game when out with company and most of the good friends know better than to challenge me or make bets against me, even if it is something inanely stupid and probably not worth the effort or time. The second part of being very competitive is that I suck at most everything that involves competition: bowling, ice skating, pool, darts, etc etc etc. You name it, I have sucked at it. I have probably even  sucked at LARPing but everyone was too nice to tell me that I did.

So the gist of this story is that I get competitive but I also suck at whatever it is I am competing it. So no surprise then that while I have been swiftly and surely working my way through the stages of grief (I think I am on the second "D" at this point), I am also realizing that for me, love truly is a losing game. And part of a larger pattern. Which makes me depressed (yep, that would be the second "D" that I was just talking about).

And as much as I am losing and I hate the feeling, I wonder if it is really is wise to not play at all? I wonder if I would miss all the little things that you only find when you're in love. The things that any other normal relationship - whether friend or family - just can't provide. I love love. I am not in love with being in love as it sometimes makes me less sane than I would like and I am not in love with the idea of love. But I do love love. I love the feeling, I love the things I am inspired to do and say and feel, and I love that sometimes I see myself inspiring those same things in someone else. I love that.

So, yes, I play to win in all things, including love. But I also realize that I won't play the games that seem to go along with being in love. Whether it is following some arbitrary rules or following the player's playbook; I want neither. I just want to follow my heart and see where it may lead and hope that it bets on the winning ticket.

Heart of Glass

As a friend mentioned to me recently, I have the unfortunate luck of always falling for the wrong guy. Well, not always, or else this would be a far sadder, sadder story but most times, my choice in opposite sex to fall in like with (love is reserved for the feeling that is reciprocated, in my estimation) leaves much to be desired.

And I have done it again. I have been warned; I was seriously questioned by people who knew both of us about the wisdom of going down this path, but I wandered that way and now there is, as always, a price to pay. The funny thing is that while this weekend has been most illuminating, I am pretty certain that I heard and felt my heart shatter into a thousand tiny little shards.

And I am reminded, yet again, of why sometimes the whole pursuit of romance is not really meant for me. From the friend who kept reminding me that I do get a bit sensitive around this particular aspect to the feelings of blame that I lay at my feet: I should have been smarter, I should not have decided that what was reality was what I wanted it to be, that I can't believe that I am in this mindset and this emotional place yet again. In the end, the thing about having a fragile heart (and I do believe that most of us have a very fragile heart; some are just better at faking impervious-ness) is that I should know better to protect it, because when it shatters, I am the only one getting hurt.

And that seems rather unfair, but I guess that is the way of the world. I wish sometimes that my life had the knack of working out the way I wanted. Well, at least when it comes to like and lust, but it never seems to. I sometimes wish that I did not fall so hard for these wonderful people that I get to know, knowing somewhere in my heart of hearts that they don't reciprocate but the chance to choose in romance is not really possible. I wish sometimes that my heart did not break so easily; that tears shed could mend what is broken. But I know that only time and distance away from the impacting force is the only way to let my shattered heart heal - whole again, but no stronger for having been broken once more.

A Little Bit of Chemistry

For me, a night out can feel a little bit like a grand experiment; everything just needs to come together in the right way or else, it just does not work. Worse, sometimes it all seems to blow up in my face. So imagine my surprise tonight when the night out just worked and all the elements needed - good friends, great conversation, a nice atmosphere, a little bit of booze, some munchies and a general joie de vivre (told you it was a pretty intense, multi-stage experience) - came together in just the right way, at just the right times. Even a sudden down pour and some flooding did nothing to dampen the mood (no pun intended) though it did make things a little more heated and crowded indoors and end my night a bit earlier. 

So here is to the grand experiments of life: to all the moments that seem to arise from nothing, but probably had some precedent as "energy is neither created nor destroyed". Here is to embarking on the pursuit of just the right elements to make things work for you - in life, in love, in general. Because without a little experimentation, no one figures out what they need to make it work or what should be removed to make the end result exactly the outcome you wanted. 

Periodically

Once in a while, I think that life throws situations my way and then gives me everything I need to figure it out and also to learn from it. And right now, interactions with friends and colleagues have left me laughing and also realizing that I have strayed so far, far away from what I know best about myself. I think it is time I embrace all the things that I have truly loved about myself in the past and just see if it works as well in this time and place in my life as it has done before.

So you've heard me (or at least read me) whining recently about not knowing what to do with all the attraction I am feeling towards a certain someone. The thing is, I once knew what to do.When I was attracted to someone in the past, I invited that person out for a drink or a meal, and just flirted outrageously. And if that did not seem to do the trick, then I would actually say (okay, more blurt depending on how much I may have been drinking as well) that I quite fancied him. And it seemed to work for me.

Wait, that sounds a little too cocky. And that is not what I am going for. I was confident then and I want to embrace my confidence now in this arena. It did not always work. And I think I can count on my hand all the times it did work, yet nothing risked means there is certainly nothing to gain. I am starting to embrace risk; hell, I think I want to snuggle risk all night at this point in my life. As I have made so many many changes, I feel as though one more is not going to throw things completely off and I would rather know that I had put myself out there and my cards on the table, than never tried.

So here's to the time where I actually rack up the nerve to do the manly thing and act like a guy. I have been accused about three times in the last week of thinking like one (when did pragmatism and practicality in relationships suddenly mean being male?), so why not act the part as well? At least when it comes to initiating things, making the first move, putting my heart on the line by being honest about what I am feeling and what I want, and seeing how it all goes. And if I have to slowly walk away, with a sort of sorrowful heart, at least I know that I tried. And I have nothing to regret about trying to make my life match the idea I have in my head and heart of what will make me most happy.

Attractive Forces

If you have been reading, then you know that I blog when it is about life, love or the general pursuit of happiness. Because happiness to me is pretty much equal to sanity. Or at least, a sanity that works in the real world.

But something has been circling around and around in my mind, and instead of burdening my friends and colleagues with yet another play by play of an encounter that leaves me perplexed, I am turning to my trusty sanity catcher. The thing that lets me spill all my thoughts and eventually shift through the chaff. 

I have been thinking alot about attraction and trying to define it for myself. Because I am trying to understand why I am attracted to certain people and not others and I am also trying to figure out if I am attractive. I feel like I could be pithy and say things like "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." or "Like forces attract." but that does not really solve my problem as I have become so attracted to someone who is so completely not like me, that even good friends take the news with more than a liberal helping of salt and then ask me if I really want to wander down this road (what is the best answer to that? I feel as though I am more forced to take this path than necessarily having a choice...)

So, what is that indefinable thing called attraction and how do we know when it is working? For me, I am attracted to potential partners so infrequently that I often feel that is attraction is that fifteen ton hammer that suddenly falls and leaves me smitten. I can not seem to control it and I wish I could pick more suitable targets, but then I guess it could be argued that it is not really attraction or love if you get to pick and choose. Instead you have to hope that while you are falling, hopefully the other person is falling too. Maybe not at the same rate, but reciprocation is always better than negation. 

As for the working of this all, I wish I had a better idea. Having taken about half a year to be willing to admit to myself - much less others - that I really like this person, it has taken me another six months of trying to interpret interactions to drive me into quite the state. Does it mean anything when someone you're not even sure is a friend gives you one of the most wonderful perfect presents? Or what about when plans are blown off at the last minute or you're made to feel as though you're the obligation that must be suffered through? And what if all these things are from one and the same? How do you judge that person's attraction to you? Or should you just give up (this is where I feel as though I have landed after six months of thinking too much and too often about this all), hoping that the attraction you feel can find a like target; a south to your north. Because the funny thing about attractive forces is that sometimes, they just seem to repel.