The Outsider

What makes one person slot into a group well and another feel like they are forever standing on the fringes, observing all the fun but not really part of it? I have made comments on how I could be surrounded by a crowd and feel like I am the only one there, and for the most part, that's true of my life. Even when I am with friends or others I am close with, I can feel a little part of myself that seems detached, observing and watching, noting and recording, and trying to figure out why I stand apart when all I sometimes want is to be included.

I really don't mean to make it sound like I am not wanted; that when I am with others, no one wants to be nice and play with me. It is not that. Rather, I just feel like I don't understand a crowd. With one other person, I feel like I am having a tête à tête and just conversing, finding out more about the person. In groups of more than two, I feel like I either have to choose who I speak with at any given moment or else sit and observe the fun. And for the most part, I seem to observe. People who know me as gregarious and boisterous, quick with an opinion or some observational wit, are surprised at my shrinking violet ways when confronted with anything larger than un pas de deux (on an unrelated note, why are there no ways in English to say what other languages express so well??)

I wish I could chalk it up to simple nerve, a want of boldness or a timid sensibility, but it never really is anything of the sort. I just can't be part of the crowd. I feel that I am too different, I always want, I am never content. I want control and to master the topic; I want to feel included but how can you, when you don't participate? And most of all, I want to let go of all the restraints and hesitations that hold me back from sometimes joining in with gusto. So instead, I sit, I watch, I hover at the edge and hope that someone makes a space for me. That the circle parts for but a second and perhaps I can finally slot myself in.