When Are You Enough? *

I thought about writing this note after having shared a recent conversation with someone I had liked and ended up kissing. It all started by an innocent question of is there a particular hair type that is lusted for in general - a sort of informal survey. I shared my story of how a guy I knew had said his ideal was someone slimmer than me, taller than me, and blonder than I am (err, which also probably means paler given my ethnic background).....it made me a bit more cautious to say the least and I was not surprised when things fizzled quicker than they had started.

But it got me to thinking. I have never been someone who fits the 'ideal' mold - whether it is society or even sometimes, my own ideals. When I look back on pictures, I can see that there are slight changes here and there but you can always recognize me, no matter what age. Which means I also have my share of comments guys have made, thinking they were being nice. I can't tell you how many time I have heard 'you have a pretty face, if only you lost weight' or 'what are you?' (errr, a girl??? always asked by someone trying to figure out my racial heritage). I have had guys tell me I would be the kind of girl they would like to sleep with but not date (errmmm, thanks but no) or 'I would be perfect if only I were...(insert characteristic that cannot be altered without some drastic surgery and sometimes involving sex reassignment)

Not surprisingly, my confidence has taken a knock after years of being told that somehow I just was not good enough as I am. It's hard to stay objective; it's hard to say it's them and not me. And yes, I have had moments where my heart broke because someone thought being honest did not equal being mean. How do you not cry when there are more failed romances or missed chances than honest-to-goodness love stories in your past? When at any given moment, there are more people telling you that you need to change to be successful in life, love and everything else that matters instead of the fact that you're perfect as you are.

My most poignant moment was when I sat across from a friend and love of years and listened to him break me down bit by bit - listened as he told me why I would never find love, true friendship, and happiness. Why no one wanted me and never would. For hours, I sat there over a cup of coffee and took it all in. I am still not sure now why I stayed, why I listened, why I did not say anything and looking back, I wonder how someone could be so close to you and think such poisonous thoughts about you and of you but in the end, perhaps it was for the best

At that moment, I realized I could not keep looking outside of myself for the answer. I could not keep asking others if I was enough for them, if I was finally enough. looking for validation. I had to answer that for myself and be content, no matter what. And yes, I do try to be enough for myself. I want to live my life, happy in the knowledge that I have no regrets or second thoughts about what I do. I want to hold on to the idea that I could be loved for who I am as I am and if I change - for better or for worse - I can still be loved. I will never be lighter though winter makes me paler; I could be thinner but I enjoy a good meal out and pints with friends too much to be that person who only orders a salad or drinks water; I could be blonder but I love my dark hair, tinged with auburn in the right light. I love all my exotic features - my almond eyes and pouty lips and everything else that makes me me.

I could lie and say I always feel that I am enough. But I don't think anyone ever feels like they are enough all the time. I have my days where I wake up and feel like life would be better if only I could change some imperfection, imagined or real. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to walk into any shop and just pick anything I want off the rack. I wonder what it would be like to walk around with all eyes on me no matter where I go, but in the end, are those people any happier than you or I? We all have our insecurities; even the most perfect men and women in the world wish they could be someone else I am sure. While everyone strives to be them, they strive to be something else. So in the end, perhaps as long as you're enough for yourself, then you can be enough. You can walk around, comfortable in your own skin and happy in your own thoughts. And maybe if just a few people say they truly are enough - lumps, bumps, and all - then others will be inspired.

*An oldie but goodie, given some of the recent posts