Gears and Cogs

I seem to have many thoughts on my mind lately. While the everyday routine does occupy some of my time and thinking effort, I find that I am facing all the big questions recently: what do I want?; what am I looking for in life?; etc. etc. etc. And I really have no simple, straightforward answers to any of those questions. I guess all I can do is ponder on them and I thought I might include my friends in some of the pondering. The thoughts most recently and most frequent: what - or more precisely - whom am I looking for in life?

As of late, I have had a very fluid view of relationships. Willing to be in a monogamous or a polygamous relationship as it suits; willing to keep things casual or declare undying love as it suits. But being fluid means I am either trying to find what I am looking for or I just don't know what I am looking for. Or in my case, a bit of both. I have not done the whole dating and mating thing for very long - I may have been on this earth for many years, but my experience is shockingly limited. I was the one in the corner reading about life, instead of living it and my head has only recently been removed from amidst the pages of weighty tomes (sounds all gothic and grave, doesn't it?)

What I am finding is that I am looking for short cuts and cheats - the easter eggs of life if you will - in order to figure out how to find the person I am meant to be with. I have learned this much: for all my experiments and experiences of open relationships, I want one person that I can completely fall into; Someone that I can just lose myself in. And it is hard to lose oneself (in my opinion) when you're trying to juggle the affections and affectations of multiple partners. So, I am looking for 'the one' - for want of a better term, but a shorthand comprehended by most.

But how to find him (and this is one thing I am not questioning - it is a him; sorry to disappoint all the ladies :-D)? I have realized, examining my past dating history, that I don't seem to fall into anyone very easily. In fact, I rarely seem to fall. Fall into lust? Very easily - after all, I understand about attraction and desire; about being intrigued by a person or a statement, a look or a comment. But to fall into love; that I have only done the once - the kind that leaves a mark on you and haunts your dreams, well after the love is gone. And I think there are people I know whom I could be in love with, but how to be sure? My experiences are so limited, and my self so restrained that I refuse to infer or once inferred, refuse to act on it lest I be wrong. I let moments linger in my mind, but refuse to act on opportunities. I say everything without saying what is fundamentally so important and wonder if love is something that went the way of the dodo birds. If modern humans, myself included, are meant to fall in love or if the most one can hope for is a connection that isn't as fleeting as the latest viral video. And the cogs keep turning ever on...