A Voyage Long and Strange

I have just finishing up reading this book "A Voyage Long and Strange: Rediscovering the New World" by Tony Horwitz and I have to say, it has been one of those moments in life where I find myself thinking an awful lot, sometimes related to the subject matter (which is all about who ended up in America between Columbus sailing the ocean blue in 1492 and the "first" English settlers arriving at Plymouth Rock) but also sometimes just related into the engaging and intriguing way in which the author has chosen to portray the subject matter.


In terms of the subject matter itself, I am finding weird coincidences that I did not quite understand before. Like the complete brain numbing night I spent last night watching National Treasure (both movies) back to back. And the second one was talking about 'Cibola". Suddenly, I got it (thanks to the book) and could even figure where the writers of the script had dumbed down the legend to play into their movie plot (what little of it there was, but still enjoyable for the actio-adventurey sequences). And how they got it wrong: I was left scratching my head why Amrican Indian treasure would be guarded by a riddle in Olmaec, which I thought was a language of South America, not North America. Anywho, it reads for a really intresting read about the history that has been forgotten in relation to America itself.

And that is the other thing that really has me thinking with this book: the way that the author has managed to highlight how history is fluid and personal. How history can be shaped by what people choose to believe. Or choose to share. I have heard said that history is written by the winners but that is not necessarily always true. History is something - that I think - is personally shaped and defined by those who are 'reading' it. The way in which the author highlights how various people(s) choose to interpret and believe historical evidence is intriguing. I have come across the way in which people can choose to believe or deny parts of history as suits their agendas (for example, Holocaust deniers) but most importantly, to me at least, is the way this book seems to track how widespread and ingrained the tendency is - to examine our history and reinterpret it. It makes me wonder: by the very act of iving my life, what personal history have I decided to reimagine in a way more suited to my present being?

Gears and Cogs

I seem to have many thoughts on my mind lately. While the everyday routine does occupy some of my time and thinking effort, I find that I am facing all the big questions recently: what do I want?; what am I looking for in life?; etc. etc. etc. And I really have no simple, straightforward answers to any of those questions. I guess all I can do is ponder on them and I thought I might include my friends in some of the pondering. The thoughts most recently and most frequent: what - or more precisely - whom am I looking for in life?

As of late, I have had a very fluid view of relationships. Willing to be in a monogamous or a polygamous relationship as it suits; willing to keep things casual or declare undying love as it suits. But being fluid means I am either trying to find what I am looking for or I just don't know what I am looking for. Or in my case, a bit of both. I have not done the whole dating and mating thing for very long - I may have been on this earth for many years, but my experience is shockingly limited. I was the one in the corner reading about life, instead of living it and my head has only recently been removed from amidst the pages of weighty tomes (sounds all gothic and grave, doesn't it?)

What I am finding is that I am looking for short cuts and cheats - the easter eggs of life if you will - in order to figure out how to find the person I am meant to be with. I have learned this much: for all my experiments and experiences of open relationships, I want one person that I can completely fall into; Someone that I can just lose myself in. And it is hard to lose oneself (in my opinion) when you're trying to juggle the affections and affectations of multiple partners. So, I am looking for 'the one' - for want of a better term, but a shorthand comprehended by most.

But how to find him (and this is one thing I am not questioning - it is a him; sorry to disappoint all the ladies :-D)? I have realized, examining my past dating history, that I don't seem to fall into anyone very easily. In fact, I rarely seem to fall. Fall into lust? Very easily - after all, I understand about attraction and desire; about being intrigued by a person or a statement, a look or a comment. But to fall into love; that I have only done the once - the kind that leaves a mark on you and haunts your dreams, well after the love is gone. And I think there are people I know whom I could be in love with, but how to be sure? My experiences are so limited, and my self so restrained that I refuse to infer or once inferred, refuse to act on it lest I be wrong. I let moments linger in my mind, but refuse to act on opportunities. I say everything without saying what is fundamentally so important and wonder if love is something that went the way of the dodo birds. If modern humans, myself included, are meant to fall in love or if the most one can hope for is a connection that isn't as fleeting as the latest viral video. And the cogs keep turning ever on...

When Are You Enough? *

I thought about writing this note after having shared a recent conversation with someone I had liked and ended up kissing. It all started by an innocent question of is there a particular hair type that is lusted for in general - a sort of informal survey. I shared my story of how a guy I knew had said his ideal was someone slimmer than me, taller than me, and blonder than I am (err, which also probably means paler given my ethnic background).....it made me a bit more cautious to say the least and I was not surprised when things fizzled quicker than they had started.

But it got me to thinking. I have never been someone who fits the 'ideal' mold - whether it is society or even sometimes, my own ideals. When I look back on pictures, I can see that there are slight changes here and there but you can always recognize me, no matter what age. Which means I also have my share of comments guys have made, thinking they were being nice. I can't tell you how many time I have heard 'you have a pretty face, if only you lost weight' or 'what are you?' (errr, a girl??? always asked by someone trying to figure out my racial heritage). I have had guys tell me I would be the kind of girl they would like to sleep with but not date (errmmm, thanks but no) or 'I would be perfect if only I were...(insert characteristic that cannot be altered without some drastic surgery and sometimes involving sex reassignment)

Not surprisingly, my confidence has taken a knock after years of being told that somehow I just was not good enough as I am. It's hard to stay objective; it's hard to say it's them and not me. And yes, I have had moments where my heart broke because someone thought being honest did not equal being mean. How do you not cry when there are more failed romances or missed chances than honest-to-goodness love stories in your past? When at any given moment, there are more people telling you that you need to change to be successful in life, love and everything else that matters instead of the fact that you're perfect as you are.

My most poignant moment was when I sat across from a friend and love of years and listened to him break me down bit by bit - listened as he told me why I would never find love, true friendship, and happiness. Why no one wanted me and never would. For hours, I sat there over a cup of coffee and took it all in. I am still not sure now why I stayed, why I listened, why I did not say anything and looking back, I wonder how someone could be so close to you and think such poisonous thoughts about you and of you but in the end, perhaps it was for the best

At that moment, I realized I could not keep looking outside of myself for the answer. I could not keep asking others if I was enough for them, if I was finally enough. looking for validation. I had to answer that for myself and be content, no matter what. And yes, I do try to be enough for myself. I want to live my life, happy in the knowledge that I have no regrets or second thoughts about what I do. I want to hold on to the idea that I could be loved for who I am as I am and if I change - for better or for worse - I can still be loved. I will never be lighter though winter makes me paler; I could be thinner but I enjoy a good meal out and pints with friends too much to be that person who only orders a salad or drinks water; I could be blonder but I love my dark hair, tinged with auburn in the right light. I love all my exotic features - my almond eyes and pouty lips and everything else that makes me me.

I could lie and say I always feel that I am enough. But I don't think anyone ever feels like they are enough all the time. I have my days where I wake up and feel like life would be better if only I could change some imperfection, imagined or real. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to walk into any shop and just pick anything I want off the rack. I wonder what it would be like to walk around with all eyes on me no matter where I go, but in the end, are those people any happier than you or I? We all have our insecurities; even the most perfect men and women in the world wish they could be someone else I am sure. While everyone strives to be them, they strive to be something else. So in the end, perhaps as long as you're enough for yourself, then you can be enough. You can walk around, comfortable in your own skin and happy in your own thoughts. And maybe if just a few people say they truly are enough - lumps, bumps, and all - then others will be inspired.

*An oldie but goodie, given some of the recent posts