This is a strange sort of note. I am not even sure what I want to write about but my mind is thinking over so many things, and my body aches. Well, at least my leg does and so prevents me from falling asleep right now. Perhaps if I get all these random thoughts out of my head, I can find some rest. Or perhaps saying something aloud - saying it outright - will only possibly lead to further thoughts that hinder my chance of a peaceful night's rest. But I shall purge my mind, enter my confessional, and come of this what may...
I think, generally, that I am a happy person and yet I seem to sometimes have these moods that come from nowhere. I don't know where and why they arise, but they are so unpredictable and I always feel as though I am adrift and separate whenever they do. It is hard to understand how hard it sometimes is to just be friendly to people I can natter away a mile a minute with normally when these moods descend and often times, I find myself out and about, unable to really be the social, gregarious creature I am known for and I feel as though I am pushing away those who do not understand. People who may take things to heart or feel like it is something personal, something specific, when this feeling is more pervasive than that and all encompassing.
I sometimes sit back and look at my life and wonder where I am heading. This is not where I thought I would be and most of the time, this person is not the person I thought I would have become. I know that nothing can be predicted and nothing is certain, but there are so many things I do not feel reflect the person I have always been. I am comfortable with myself most days, but at the same time, I find that I am not sure what to make of myself yet. Am I happy with the person I have become or are there things I would change? Should I just accept the things I do and say as being a part of myself, the person I am and possibly will remain, or should I actively seek to change? To either fall back into the person I was, the person I pretended to be, or the person I always thought I wanted to be, whether any of these people in the end are a true reflection of myself and my life, and whether I can ever feel completely comfortable within my own skin.
I keep realizing that there is nothing linear in this life. Attraction, loss, friendship - everything that is important, that is far reaching is never linear. I sometimes long for a little bit of relief, really; I sometimes sit back and think if only I could predict that every single day, things will get a little bit better and I will move a little closer to feeling free. To feeling as though everything I need to has been left behind...but, no, that would be simple. And I guess in this life, things are not meant to be simple. Instead, I sometimes wonder. I sometimes think that I am so far away from what I truly want and other times, I feel as though what I long for is attainable. But then I feel it slipping, I feel myself doing things, acting ways that are unfathomable. I feel time slip forward and fly past, I feel memories rush in to tame the present and know I am inadvertently flowing fast into the future. Perhaps this is what it is because this is how it should be. Though I hate to think that; I hate to think that sometimes years from now, I will still feel as though nothing in my life is linear. That years from now, I could feel and think the same, for even a moment, and to wonder. Because the wondering, the thoughts, the longing, that is what comes unbidden and brings everything back to a place I no longer care to dwell
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