Shut the Gates, Bar the Doors

I feel vulnerable again. I forgot how it is to feel this way. To feel like you've just given away too much about yourself too quickly. And now I want to pull back. No scratch that, I need to pull back. Because suddenly, imperceptibly, something has changed. And I can feel it, even if I am not showing it. It's being recalled back to the person you were and realizing there were good reasons for it. That sometimes the act is not so much as act as truly the best way for you to be.

I have been guarded my entire life. I have been the person that everyone thinks they know and no one really does. And I have survived - because of it, in spite of it. I can't decide. But my past tells me that every time I have let someone in, I have let someone know me, they have used it against me. That person suddenly holds the key to all my hopes, fears, and desires. And everyone so far has used it when they have wanted to hurt me. To tell me why love will always elude me, to reassure me that I will never be attractive or smart or funny - no matter my opinions on the matter, to convince me that everything I fear most is actual reality and I am too blind to see.

And I have let my guard down again without realizing it. Suddenly I was not just showing people what I thought they wanted, I was being myself, damn the consequences. I was speaking from the heart and I was not even trying to be like this. I just was. And I might have been happy. I am not sure. But I am reminded why I hate to be vulnerable. Why sometimes forming an eight foot tall wall and keeping your true self hidden is better than being transparent, than letting people guess what you're thinking and feeling.

And I'm back to my belief that being in control - keeping a tight rein on my emotions and thoughts and feelings and actions - is better than suddenly realizing you've allowed people too close to you, that someone might know you better than you know yourself or at least, be more aware than you are. So I am back - the me I know, the me I am used to. The one who thinks too much and says too little. The one who chooses her words carefully, if at all. Because managing an impression is so much easier than picking yourself up off the floor once again.