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Know this about me: I am über-competitive. So much so, that I have been banned from playing any sort of game when out with company and most of the good friends know better than to challenge me or make bets against me, even if it is something inanely stupid and probably not worth the effort or time. The second part of being very competitive is that I suck at most everything that involves competition: bowling, ice skating, pool, darts, etc etc etc. You name it, I have sucked at it. I have probably even sucked at LARPing but everyone was too nice to tell me that I did.
So the gist of this story is that I get competitive but I also suck at whatever it is I am competing it. So no surprise then that while I have been swiftly and surely working my way through the stages of grief (I think I am on the second "D" at this point), I am also realizing that for me, love truly is a losing game. And part of a larger pattern. Which makes me depressed (yep, that would be the second "D" that I was just talking about).
And as much as I am losing and I hate the feeling, I wonder if it is really is wise to not play at all? I wonder if I would miss all the little things that you only find when you're in love. The things that any other normal relationship - whether friend or family - just can't provide. I love love. I am not in love with being in love as it sometimes makes me less sane than I would like and I am not in love with the idea of love. But I do love love. I love the feeling, I love the things I am inspired to do and say and feel, and I love that sometimes I see myself inspiring those same things in someone else. I love that.
So, yes, I play to win in all things, including love. But I also realize that I won't play the games that seem to go along with being in love. Whether it is following some arbitrary rules or following the player's playbook; I want neither. I just want to follow my heart and see where it may lead and hope that it bets on the winning ticket.
