Least Expected

I think most of my friends are aware that I have been going through a rough time in the past couple of weeks. I have been unsure of things, unsure of myself, questioning everything, racked with sadness, fear, blame, guilt, and just general malaise. I have been finding solace where I can, but finding myself unable to make the effort sometimes and wishing, wishing that I could just be done with feeling the way I have.

And along the way, I talked through everything I felt and thought. My friends have listened to my crazy ramblings and my hysterical sobbing, my friends have offered me solace, comfort, perspective, and hope. And my friends have always offered me the thing I needed most: their friendship. And somewhere through all this, for some indefinible reason, I made it through. Sometime on Monday, as people wished me happy birthday, as I contemplated dragging myself out but not feeling the desire or inclination, I made it through. Whether it was talking to Jenn about what I have gained from being in a relationship with James, or pestering Simon about the drink he owes me, chatting with Nik and Verity about plans for Friday night, or playing scrabble in rapid action pace with James, somehow I just decided I was done feeling sad and upset.

I had had my cry; I needed to be over it. And like that, I was. It is hard to explain. Maybe it was everything my friends were providing at the time, and maybe it was none of that. Maybe I had just had the time I needed to feel, heal, process, and move on. But I was done with feeling the way I have. And I have not looked back since. I miss things about being in a relationship with James, I miss him sometimes. His friendship, his jokes, his very very bad puns, and the stories I have heard a thousand times =) but I figure that at some point, we can be friends, so I hopefully won't have to miss that forever.

Instead, I am looking ahead. I have come through this with some incredible friends at my side. I have had meaningful conversations late into the night with most of them, and I have been able to smile through the tears because of them. I have had friends who have walked beside me just to be outside, come over to eat or drink just to cheer me up, and stayed through the night in order to let me have someone to hold on to. And all of these things mean so much to me. And they are small things, things they give willingly, but the things that made the most impact - the biggest difference.

And I have had the opportunity to finally put ghosts in my past to rest. I have finally been able to embrace what I need for myself, embrace things that caused me pain and seen the good in it. Even this - this end - is good. Out of it, I might have a friend I can turn to, who knows things others don't. Out of this, I know I am no longer willing to sublimate what I consider important in a relationship, hoping it will get better and pulling away when it does not. Out of this, I actually know I have the ability to give my heart wholeheartedly, to not be afraid of falling in love, of being in love - and of falling out of love, if that is how it must be.

A thought for my birthday was "what does not kill you only makes you stronger" and that seems to go hand in hand with an oft said comment from someone I know: "birthdays are good for your health; those who have the most live the longest". What I least expected two days ago was to be smiling, to be looking forward with pleasure, and looking back with nostalgia, but I am. I am content and happy. I have plans over the coming weeks that I look forward to, I have friends I can count on, who can count on me in return, and one thing remains unchanged: I have no regrets in my life - about things done, said, or held only in my head.