Idea of March

To me, March seems to be a month of change. For a second, let’s forget the fact that it is the start of spring, that according to colloquial wisdom “it comes in like a lamb, roars out like a lion”, or all the other trite things that become attributed to the month of change and growth and rebirth. Let’s pretend it is all about me. Because, frankly, it is.

March has been the month that seems to always bring the greatest changes to my life. March was the month I flew back home in order to spend time with a friend that I cared for and was falling in love with; and yet, it took a whole five months to elapse (from October to March) for us to decide that we wanted to be in a relationship. And, so in March, we had a semi-serious conversation about where things were going when I lived in America and he lived elsewhere. And, perhaps, with all the imagery of spring in mind, it seemed like possibilities were endless. But, unfortunately, there are limits.

Fast forward through two years of my life, where I am now living in the same country as said acquaintance/friend but neither of us is feeling the love for the other. I am dating, I am feeling hopeful (after all, spring tends to bring a renewed zest for certain pursuits) and looking forward to a week off with my current beau. But March is the month of change; March is the month of “I changed my mind; I do not love you – I just thought I did”. Is it any wonder I was stumped throughout most of March how one could spend time planning to be in love and share love only to hear the next day it had all been some temporary psychotic break for my beau? As a side note, March is also the only month in which I have ever had my heart broken, rather than the one to do the breaking.

Skip forward another year, to an airport scene: longing glances from the cabin window, regrets and sighs, and the winds of March bringing more change. March is the month I left my home to make a new one back in America – March is the month that brought more change, more heart break, more questions. And so here we are, in March yet again, and I am looking back on a year of change.

Change has not always occurred in March, but for me, happiness and disappointment will always be tied up in this month. If I had not loved or left, then I would not be the person I am. But sad comfort when I mark the passing of the month as just another year spent, another year far away from where I have been and where I want to be.