Ghosts n Stuff

And so another year in the trash; gone and done and all the past hurts and joys and highs and lows nothing but memories. It has been ages since I thought to sit down and write about thoughts and thinking and feeling - not because I have not been doing any of that. On the contrary, I often feel like perhaps I am doing too much of it. But there is something about the approach and onset of a new year that makes me think about things and rehash past thoughts. For me, the new year seems as good a time as any to dust memories off, examine them once more, and determine if they have anything more to offer me.

What new insights have I garnered from my annual soul search? I have been thinking about love - about why I seem to be immune to it, about how (or whether) my heart is ready to jump into love again. About whether I have not pinned my hopes on something that never was and is likely to never be, but the sheer weight of the possibility keeps me from trying or being with any one else. And in true new year style, it feel right to countdown the many things I have come to realize:

10. My heart is not stuck; my head is.
9. That coming back to someone is not a weakness; it is a sign of an attachment that endures.
8. That even though I may return, it does not mean that I have to fall back into the patterns that were so bad for us in the first place (or even that we should be the same things to each other ever again).
7. That possibility is all I want at the moment because my head has so many other things to think on.
6. That there is nothing traditional about my wants and needs; that the white wedding, two kids and a picket fence deal are things that I secretly rebel against.
5. That I have wanted the white wedding, two kids, and picket fence deal. But only when I was in love with someone who wanted that too.
4. That to me, true love is wanting the very thing that matters most to the one I love - even if it seems antithetical to every thing I ever wanted.
3. That true love is a fairytale; and yet some of us are lucky enough to know it.
2. That sometimes to best way to be in love is to be careful and cautious.
1. That I would rather be effusive and exuberant and exhilerated than ever be cautious, no matter the consequences that may come.

Happy New Year!