Working for the Weekend

I am not sure if this is a bit of a rant or if I am just being a bit too tough on myself, but I am feeling a little frustrated today. Well, a lot frustrated - enough to want to leave now and just head home, and try to work some of the frustrations out. You know, out of sight, out of mind and all that jazz. And oh, yes, definitely want the weekend to be here. Not that two days away from the office will solve everything but then again, it is nice to sometimes gain some perspective when not sitting in an environment that is causing some of the stress.

The thing is, it is all self-inflicted which is the nuttiest thing about my whole situation and makes me realize that I maybe need to loosen up a bit, calm down, and take some deep cleansing breathes (or perhaps, more in line with my style of being, go beat the ***t out of a punching bag).

Right now, there are two sides of me that is warring at work: the relatively independent side that wants to be able to get handed something, go off, get in done, and come back with the completed product. And then there is the other side of me - the perfectionist side- that is realizing that I am not as skilled as I would like to be, that I am still learning and don't want to muck it up (and I am really not reassured by the comments that if you do muck things up, it comes back half a year later to haunt you rather than right away) and so, I am constantly checking in to make sure I a not making a complete mess of the system.

And this is where the frustration comes from: we're a small team and growing, but at the same time, we are all quite busy. And when I am handed things that I am not as familiar with, I get on with what I can and need to check with someone about the rest. So I do; yet, I constantly feel like I am being a bother. Like I am just obviously too slow to get it since it is been three months and I am still asking questions. That I am maybe not suited for all this. And while no one has said anything of the sort (and most indicators seem to be that it is the opposite), I am feeling out of my depth and want to have some sort of structure and training and guidance so I can get to a point where I am all along, in my office, doing my work most of the day without requiring any help or guidance and input.

But I am not there yet. So, I am feeling lost (why, yes, there does seem to be a theme of this post). And not only am I lost, but now I am being asked to work with and train others. Perhaps I just need to have a bit more faith in myself and see this as a big shiny gold star from the bosses. But when I am feeling as though I am not on firm footing, I am not sure exactly what I am will be able (or capable) of teaching someone else. Any wonder I am just waiting for the weekend at this point?

Bad Day

I am having one of those days today. You know the one - where you think about all the things you've done and all the things you could have done. Where you can look back on your life and find the joy/humour/wonderfulness is random moments but then thinking about the present, about the now makes you feel a bit like everything is tinged with a whole lot of sad.

I try not to be the person who looks back, who regrets - who wishes things could be different, things could change, things could be anything but they way they are. But in all honesty, I think sometimes you just have to have these types of days. You need to feel sorry for yourself and feel unloved and just keep thinking to yourself "why me???" and hear the sounds of the violins (or whatever your string instrument of choice may be) well behind you and just wallow in the feeling. I want to say almost revel in that sharp tang of bitterness that regret and longing seems to bring.

But I have learned, the important thing is not that I have days like these, but what I do with these types of days. If I choose to stay feeling mired in the hopelessness of my current situation, not seeing a way to change the things I want to and wishing, wishing, wishing but never realizing. Or, whether, I can shake this feeling off. Look forward to focusing on the bright, the shiny, the happy. Even knowing that if I must persist in looking back, I can at least try to focus on the happy instead of focusing on the sad.