I have said it before and I will probably be saying it again: it is strange to be back here in Miami; to be in a place where I have so many memories and moments tied up together, to know so many friends from my time at university who have stayed here or like, me have come back here, and yet, to feel so lost in a strange land. It is the familiar and the unfamiliar all at the same time. And while I can ground myself with knowing the landmarks and the locale and the people and the culture, I am still sometimes so amused (and sometimes, alternately, so distraught) at the fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, a stranger in a strange land.
How can I explain this? I am used to wandering the world; I am used to traveling the road not taken. Perhaps that is why Frost's poem will forever speak to me. I understand about looking forward, about making decisions, and about not looking back (or at least, trying to do so very rarely). But in many ways, the last few months have been all about looking back. I am back in my old room, in the house I knew back when I was in Uni. I am settling back into old patterns, old feelings, and there are so many things that just seem to scream deja vu to me. And yet, it is all new in so many ways.
People have gone on about their lives while I have been traipsing about the world, living mine. People are married, settled, having kids, buying houses - all the things that seem so grown up and very distant from my life. And that is the thing: I know these people. Or at least, I think I did. I knew them back when they were college kids just like me. But they are not anymore. And neither am I. I am looking at them, thinking there is so much of their life that is not for me - nothing I aspire to, but I am happy for them. And when they look at me, I am not sure what they think. I can sometimes hear it though: single, living with parents, no commitments or ties. Hmmmphhh.
And I understand, but I am angry too. There is so much that has happened between the girl who was living that life ten years ago and the girl living that life now. Not just the years; more than that. And there really is not a single person who can say they have been there through it all. Maybe that's the rub of being back here: I am trying to find familiar faces when there really are none. It is like seeing the rough outlines of the people around you - recognizing them, but not knowing them. Maybe some are more filled in than others, but it all gets strange in one way or another; just more unknowns when what I am feeling is that I should feel like I am home.
It's odd going back to old friends after a few years out. Mine haven't quite started sprogging, and I think most of the core folks are either single or in relationships that haven't been running for *that* long. OTOH, there's still the housing stuff, and having conversations about careers, which every so often makes me go "crap, we've become adults". That, and that I might be going to an event in a few weeks where people will be talking about/swapping plants...
ReplyDeleteIt's a different world, but that's the way of things. All we can do is adapt and build anew.