Read Me

In the past few weeks, I have started to feel like my life is an open book - more specifically, an open FaceBook. And it is not something that sits well with me. I have never been one to share my thoughts and feelings openly, yet like everyone in the world, there is something about staring into a computer screen that makes things seem a bit less real and yet that much more intiimate. And I share - my status on any given day is a reflection of what I am thinking or feeling, even when I am not ready to share it with those closest to me. I have found myself changing and rearranging things as events happen in my life and more than anything, FaceBook could be the most accurate reflection of my inner landscape. There are so many things that people can't guess at, yet they lie somewhere on here, waiting to be discovered.

But as I said at the start - I am feeling too open at that moment when all I want to be is closed. There are so many things happening in my life that can't even be guessed at because I can only share them with a select few, only share them face to face, and even then, I have learned there are things and thoughts I should hold inside - so I do. But part of feeling so exposed, so vulnerable is I find myself pulling back. I know that I have made some wonderful friends through FaceBook - through various sources, but I find myself feeling a little lost.

I am accepting invites because I feel obligated, not because I have any desire to go out. And when I get there, I feel like I am letting others down - by being one place and not another. Or being out with just one person when I should be out with ten thousand. Or feeling like I have not spent enough time with the people who matter, even if they seem to be permanently at my side. Because I am finding myself constantly surrounded by others, and yet realizing that I know no one. That no one knows me. Even those who should. And even those I want to know, I feel further and further away from - wondering what I need to do to get closer to them, realizing that I may never.

And so I am withdrawing. This is my manifesto to my friends on FaceBook (and you know who you are). I don't have it in me to feel the way I do and to keep my calendar busy. So I am stepping back, stepping aside, hiding away from the world. Whatever you want to call it. I am shutting the book and retiring into my thoughts. I need to feel more grounded than I do at the moment and I need my friends to understand. I know the real ones will - the ones that I will see throughout this time of solitude in more casual, comfortable settings. The ones who will continue to be there for me and the ones who I can depend on. The ones I am happy to know better, to be around, the ones who let me be.

I know not everyone will understand this. I know there will be those who see this as a sign of things to come. That somehow there are changes coming and they will enquire, they will search, they will try to rustle the pages to find the truth. But the only truth that lies there is that I am tired and I am stressed. That my life is good but that I am a solitary creature and I need my time to reflect and let go, as much as fish need water to breathe and birds need wings to fly. Friends like these will show themselves in the coming weeks, I fear, and somehow will fall to the wayside, if they have not already. Friends - true friends - will understand, will not pressure, will not somehow think that this is a judgement on them or their importance, and will welcome me back when I am centred and I have found the calm I am searching for right now