I don't know why, but for some reason, love and relationships have been on my mind alot in the past couple of months. Maybe it is because I have felt the tug of love for longer than I should or maybe because I have not thought about dating seriously in more than six months. I am liking being single and right now, my life is too mired for me to want anything more than to just be able to direct my time as I see fit. And somehow, having someone close to me that I have to be concerned about - someone whose ego or wants need to sometimes take precedence - is not something I in any way hunger or long for at the moment.I know it may sound like I have somehow shut down or shut myself off from love at the moment (or perhaps, for the long haul) but I can see the benefits of being in love. Maybe I would have someone to offer me a shoulder unconditionally at this time; maybe, at a time when my world lies in chaos and I am finding it hard to reach out to friends, I might have someone who implicitly understands me and can anticipate my needs without me having to say them. But that seems more and more like some type of fantasy - something you read about in Mills and Boon or whatever other sordid romance tale one purchases these days. Relationships - at least, what I have seen of them - don't seem to match up to the great romances we consume and leave us hungering for more.
None of this means I can't think about what I want. I think that life is all about helping to hone my desires and wants. It is about helping me to choose the person I want to evolve into - that person that I can see myself becoming - while at the same time, allowing me to make mistakes and (I pray feverently) learn from them. Once upon a time, I stated that I wanted someone romantic, someone who communicated, someone who chased me, and someone who held me in a place of importance. I asked for all these things and I realize now - not that I was mistaken - but my conception of things changes.
I want romance, but more importantly, I want someone who recognizes the importance of romance. Yes, it may be more practical to buy something I need or save money from small purchases for something larger and more lasting, but that guy who realizes that a bunch of flowers - unexpected, fleeting, momentary - may seem nothing more than frivolity or a bunch of frippery but can mean so much. It is a gesture - a way of saying that thoughts lie with him when you're not there. That making you smile, seeing a light in your eyes, means as much as being practical. After all, there is nothing practical about love and romance. We imbue it with so many magical, mystical qualities, and yet somehow think we can manage to keep our heads while losing our hearts. So give me romantic dinners, give me flowers and candy and tokens of love, and I will know that you give me more than your love. You give me your everything.
I want communication. I want someone who talks to me about their dreams, about their future, about their life, about the minutiae of life as well as the big things that can sometimes eclipse everything we are. But more than that, I want someone who is willing to share with me. I want someone who tells me things deeper than their surface; I want someone who can share their pains and fears and joys and pleasures with me. And in sharing that, learns how to show me these things without saying a word. I don't claim to be psychic nor do I have any intentions to learn how to trepann the depths of my lover's soul. But I want to feel included somehow instead of feeling like despite everything I know and share with them, I somehow am outside of their life. Not a part of their world, more an observer than anything else.
I want to be chased. And I don't just mean the guy who puts all his effort into getting me to agree to a date, to agree to a night together, or whatever. I don't just mean the person who will give you every attention and compliment and make an effort to secure your love and affection and once it is had, forgets how to play at the chase. I want someone who remembers that even when there is no one else that I could imagine loving, my affections should still be sought after and caught. I feel there is no room for complacency. To me, love is not a hunt, but a game of cat and mouse. Or perhaps, a better way to think of things is that life is the hare, then love is the tortoise. We can always rush to get to our goals in life, but with love, we should learn that the finish line is not what is important. Nor should the finish line ever really be in sight. For me, that man who understands this will also be the man who can not only win my love, but keep it.
Lastly, I am not someone that interested in self-aggrandizement. I am not looking to make myself more important than I am. But when I am in love, I treat that person as though there is no one more important than themselves to me. Sometimes, I honestly do hold that person above myself. I think that we all have our feelings of self-preservation, but sometimes, for me, being in love is about being selfless and putting someone else I value first. And I want the same from someone I love and I give my love to. Running a close second is no longer good enough nor is being high on the list of priorities. Someone who always feels a sense of self-preservation when in love is, arguably to me, not in love. They are in lust, or have convinced themselves they feel more than they do.
I know I have not painted the rosiest picture of what love is to me. Or perhaps, I seem to be holding out for something I can never find. But as I have said to friends and family, I have seen people that I consider to be in love. Couples that I would model my wants and needs on. Their relationships are not perfect but I am not looking for perfection or an ideal. I am just looking for someone who is willing to give me what I need in a relationship to feel secure, to feel wanted, to feel comfortable, to feel loved. And I am hoping that in providing me all that I am searching for, I can provide the same to them, whatever it may be.
